The Granola That Will LITERALLY Change Your Life

Okay, so you're totally going to want to make out with this granola. It's THAT GOOD. 

I'm actually ready to promise you that it's the best ever. Why? To illustrate my grand gesture of a point, let's talk about why Tina and Amy are the best ever. Actually, first let's watch why Tina and Amy are the best ever. 

(That George Clooney joke is one of the greatest jokes ever written in the history of the world.)

A lot of people are good at telling jokes, writing books, creating comedy television, and being generally awesome. But what happens when you put it all together in a bowl and the add the mind-blowing chemistry of Tina and Amy? Magic, y'all. Magic happens. 

Tina and Amy aren't the best ever because they're the funniest or the smartest or the kindest or the most creative; they're the best because they have enough of all of those things to create something great plus the extra bit of chemistry when they're together makes them the best. When you have the right ingredients in the perfect combination, it's hard to beat. Tina and Amy can't be beat, and neither can this granola. Good-enough-to-make-out-with granola. 

It's the best I've ever tasted, and even though better tasting recipes probably exist, when you add in how easy it is to throw together, how few ingredients it uses, how much it makes you feel like a rockstar, and how versatile it is (on yogurt, in milk, on ice cream, by the handful, as a crumble topping for a baked fruit dessert, etc.), it's easily the best. Hands down. I'm not sure I'll ever be tempted to make another granola again.

Try this, please. Right now. It will LITERALLY change your life, and if you said that in a Chris Traeger voice, we're already friends. 

THE Granola

INGREDIENTS

  • 3 1/2 cups old-fashioned oats
  • 1 cup slivered almonds (or sliced, even whole ones that you chop a little)
  • 3/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut (unsweetened is fine, too)
  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1/4 vegetable or canola oil
  • 3/4 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/2 tsp ground ginger

HOW TO MAKE IT

  1. Preheat the oven to 250. Yes, 250. Not 350.
  2. Grab your tools - a medium mixing bowl, a 1 cup measuring cup, a 1/2 cup measuring cup, a teaspoon, a spatula or big spoon, and a large baking sheet. That's all you need... at least to have the fewest dishes which is always my biggest goal.
  3. Use your 1 cup measure to measure the oats, almonds, and coconut into the bowl. Three and a half of oats, one full of almonds, and just shy of full on the coconut. Now use the teaspoon to eyeball-measure the seasonings - salt (almost full), cinnamon (full), ginger (half full). Then use your 1/2 cup measure to add the brown sugar, and give everything a good mix. Finally, use that same 1/2 cup measure to add the maple syrup (half full) and oil (half full). I hope you don't think I think you're dumb. You're so dang smart; I tell you so at the top of this here website. I'm simply doing the thinking for you so you can get this done fast and watch a little more TV before the kids get home from school.
  4. Now use your big spoon to mix it all together. Did you notice that the wet ingredients go in last? And that you stir everything else together a little first before stirring in the maple syrup and oil? It's more even that way. 
  5. Dump it all on the baking sheet and spread it out evenly. Bake for 75 minutes, stirring two or three times throughout. 
  6. Eat it and die.

Within half an hour of writing this, my sister (who - if you didn't know - I talk about all sorts of crazy things with on our podcast called Sugar in the Raw) had a bite without my saying anything and said all wide-eyed, "Why is this so good?! I mean, it's MAGICAL." See? I'm not a liar. 

Then she proceeded to make out with it KIDDING but seriously she couldn't stop eating it. Neither will you. Go forth and GRANOLA! Tina and Amy say so.

7 Hollywood Princes Charmings and the Stories We Want Them to Tell

It's fairy tale month here at The Sugar Box (if you're local, did you order your Cinderella Sugar Box yet?), so we naturally start with our Hollywood Prince Charmings and the stories they inspire. Settle in for some stupid fun, y'all.

1. Matt Damon

mattdamon

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • He needed a southern accent in The Rainmaker, so instead of hiring a hoity toity dialect coach, he tended bar in Knoxville for free to get the language "of the people." Then after a few weeks, he hired a random customer to be his dialect coach.
  • He started a bowling league for the cast and crew of The Bourne Supremacy while they were filming in Berlin to build community. 
  • He's the founder of H20 Africa, a charity that seeks to supply every part of the world with fresh, clean water. 
  • He met his wife while she was tending bar, and they've been married for ten years and have four kids. 
  • He's a Red Sox fan. Not a Yankees fan or a Giants fan. A good ol' of-the-people Red Sox fan.

If Matt Was In a Fairy Tale

Prince Matthew is generous and kind, seeking to improve and enhance the lives of the people in his kingdom. One early morning, he and his knights venture into the woods with a group of poor villagers to train them how to set traps for small prey. (He's totally a train a man to fish kind of guy.) He becomes enraptured by a young woman in the group named Charlotte, admiring her strength, tenacity, and compassion as she thanks and says a prayer over each squirrel and rabbit she catches before she skins it. Prince Matthew learns that she is her family's breadwinner after her father and brothers died in a freak dragon accident. Dismissing all decorum and tradition, Prince Matthew asks for Charlotte's hand in marriage, forever providing for her family, and together they rule the people with a kind and competent hand, developing the most self-sufficient and compassionate generation in the kingdom's history with world-class rabbit skinning skills. 

2. Tom Hanks

tomhanks

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • He's been married to Rita Wilson since 1988. If they split, none of us have a shot.
  • He's the youngest person to receive AFI's Lifetime Achievement Award. Because he's a legend already.
  • Reader's Digest readers voted him as the most trusted man in America. 
  • He's related to Abraham Lincoln. Third cousin four generations removed. I mean, come on.

If Tom Was In a Fairy Tale

Prince Thomas Jeffrey Hanks (his real name by the way) is a rather old prince by comparison because his father took a long time to die. But that was Prince Thomas' preferred situation because he loves his father deeply and also because he's straight up afraid to be king. When your father is King Steven of the Spielbergs, it's hard to believe you will ever fill his shoes. But after King Steven dies, Prince Thomas in his grief meets a humble and beautiful Lady in Waiting named Ritalia. She makes him laugh, reminds him of his purpose, and gives him the confidence to be great. King Thomas rules differently than King Steven, but both are written about in the history books as two of the greatest directors I mean kings The Land of the Hollywoods would ever see.

3. Steve Carell

stevecarell

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • He's been married to Nancy Carell since 1995, calling her the funny one in the family.
  • He's humble, self-deprecating, and an everyday guy. I mean, he was an ice hockey goalie for years. That's not very glamorous, and no one even sees your face.
  • A story from Steve: "I worked the third shift at a convenience store for a few months. At four in the morning most people are looking for cigarettes, porn or one of those shriveled, angry-looking hot dogs from the rotating grill. One night, though, a woman came in during the wee hours. She looked a bit distraught as she paid at the counter. She paused for a moment, looked up at me and asked, 'Do you think I'm pretty?' As it turned out, she had just walked in on her boyfriend with another woman. We proceeded to have a lengthy conversation about a person's self-worth, fidelity, trust and relationships. And then I treated her to a slushy blue frozen drink." I MEAN.

If Steve Was In a Fairy Tale

Steven is the town butcher, entertaining the village with jokes, knife tricks, and a spot-on impression of the cruel town sheriff. One afternoon, the sheriff hears Steven's impression, grows angry, and brings him into the streets to teach him a lesson. He throws Steven a sword and challenges him to a duel to the death, having such confidence in his own ability that in his non-sword hand, he snacks on a stolen leg of lamb from Steven's butcher shop. Steven, however, is skilled at swordplay, practicing in secret with a retired captain of the guard who happens to prefer Steven's mutton over that which the king's butcher provides. (It's a classic barter - mutton for sword-fighting lessons.) Steven soon has the surprised sheriff on his knees, leg of lamb on one side and sword on the other. "I'll let you live, " Steven says, "but only on the condition that you leave this land forever." The sheriff needs pride like he needs air, so drowning in humiliation and lamb meat, he agrees. The retired captain of the guard sees the entire exchange and tells the king of Steven's bravery and compassion. The king, unable to have sons and seeking a worthy man to inherit the throne, offers his only daughter to Steven in marriage. The butcher becomes a fine prince, supplying the kingdom with an authoritative hand, a generous laugh, and delicious mutton.

4. Hugh Jackman

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • He straight up looks like one. The hottest prince ever.
  • He's been married to his wife, Deborra Lee Furness, since 1996 and often talks about how lucky he is to have her. They went through two miscarriages and eventually adopted two children. This clearly shows how dedicated to his family he is; difficult family circumstances are a challenge for even the strongest marriages, and he clearly is committed to his.
  • He's quoted as having a hard time summoning the hate and anger necessary to play Wolverine because he's such a kind man who forgives easily and wants to regret nothing.
  • Did I mention that he looks like a prince? 

If Hugh Was In a Fairy Tale

Prince Hugh is kind, strong, a family man, and wants to marry for love. His father's kingdom, however, is in financial ruin because of a drought and an excessive dragon problem, so Hugh puts aside his own desires and says he will marry the princess of a neighboring kingdom to save his father's. Princess Legurtha is cruel and disrespectful of her family and her people, and to make matters worse, when Prince Hugh meets her handmaiden, Annabelle, it's love at first sight. But he's a man of integrity and avoids Annabelle at all costs, even though Legurtha is a nightmare of a woman and is pretty much always drunk. On the wedding day, Hugh stands next to his princess and, before the king, pledges his loyalty and faithfulness to her and to the kingdom. The king smiles and says, "You've passed the test." Legurtha steps back, and Annabelle steps forward. "This," the king bellows, "is actually my daughter. You have proved yourself worthy to be a man of integrity and honor. You promised your hand to Legurtha, the actual handmaiden, whose job it was to challenge your commitment. But you did not falter. A man like that deserves my daughter and my kingdom." Can't you just see Prince Hugh's smile and his ferocious but respectful kiss with Annabelle? All is well. Let's here it for the handsome good guy. They don't get a lot of breaks, you know?

5. John Krasinski

johnkrasinski

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • Before college, he taught English in Costa Rica. When he was in college, he coached a community youth basketball team. ::sobbing fangirl emoji::
  • He's been married to Emily Blunt since 2010, but we all know they'll last for years. If they don't, I'll need professional help. Let's not talk about it.
  • During the Critic's Choice Awards, he ran from backstage to congratulate Emily when she won. Look at these photos by the way. Moment for Princess Emily who has the hunkiest of the hunks rolling in laughter. 
  • When he saw Into the Woods for the first time, it was the first time he'd seen Emily sing, and he wept. Stop it.
  • He IS Jim Halpert, the nicest nice guy to ever grace the television.
  • People, he's just FREAKING ADORABLE.

If John Was In a Fairy Tale

Isn't he already? The youngest of three brothers, he got beat up and had to find his own way. He volunteered, worked as a script intern for Conan O'Brien, got cast on the risky American adaptation of The Office, became America's most likable guy, met and married a beautiful British talent juggernaut, and now plays pranks on Jimmy Kimmel and writes and directs movies with Matt Damon and Aaron Sorkin. It's the perfect story already. No crowns required.

6. Zachary Levi

zacharylevi

Prince Charming Qualifications

  • Well, he already kind of played one in Tangled.
  • He's a nerd, unapologetic in who is, and relentlessly kind.
  • He responds to his fans online and not just because he's promoting a project.
  • He sings, dances, likes to do daredevil stuff, and is dashingly handsome.
  • He starred in a Broadway play called First Date. Look how adorably charming he is.

If Zachary Was In a Fairy Tale

Prince Zachary is dashing but a little immature. His stoic and competent brother is next in line for the throne, so Zachary defers the hard decisions to him and instead drag-races chariots and tries to see how many grapes he can fit into his mouth at once. But when Prince Zachary's brother and father both die at the hand of General Meanguy, the recently dismissed head of the king's army, Zachary's recklessness and immaturity give way to a fearlessness that has him on a futile hunt for their killer. After a series of stupid vengeful decisions, Prince Zachary finds himself locked in a dungeon, awaiting Meanguy's arrival. He hears commotion from the cell next to him and is soon face to face with a beautiful woman dressed in a tattered ball gown. "I'm Princess Sophia, and we need to get out of here." Turns out Meanguy is leading a bloodbath on all the surrounding kingdoms, and Sophia's father - a king - was recently murdered, too. The two escape the dungeon with the help of an enchanted talking pony named Paul and together try and bring Meanguy to justice. Sophia brings a steadiness to Zachary's reckless nature, and the two empower each other to make things right again while having some kissy time in the woods. They (and Paul the pony) eventually imprison Meanguy for the rest of his life, and in a loving marriage (not Paul though that's gross), they unite their kingdoms and live happily ever after.

7. Chris Pratt

chrispratt

Prince Charming Qualifications

If Chris Was In a Fairy Tale

Prince Christopher Michael Pratt (again, his real name) is brash, strong, and a master at using comedy as a weapon. Everyone loves him, but no one really knows him. One afternoon in the woods, he finds a few apples at the bottom of a tree and starts to eat one but is immediately pelted with a barrage of fruit. Scurrying down from the apple tree is the daughter of a nobleman, Anna, who Prince Christopher made fun of when they were both young students at The School for Royalty and Rich People. Chris is taken by Anna's beauty and spunk, even more so when she challenges him to a duel where the winner gets all the apples. It's the most adorable meetcute with only a few scratches and gashes to be had. After he loses to her, she rides away, and he goes days where she's the only thing he can think of. Days later, when he finds out she's been captured by a troll king, he becomes heroic, honorable, and completely selfless, risking everything for the sake of the woman he loves. In Prince Christopher's land, trolls have a thing for jokes, so he tells the troll king so many awesome jokes that the he passes out from laughter. Prince Christopher kills the evil troll king, rescues Anna, and the two marry, serving apple pie at their wedding. 

12 Things I Learned In February

1. Mariska Hargitay's mom is Jayne Mansfield.

Like, THE Jayne Mansfield. Did y'all know this?! Also Tippi Hedren is Melanie Griffith's mom, Debbie Reynolds is Carrie Fisher's mom, and Peggy Lipton is Rashida Jones' mom. Mind blown. Check out the full list here. 

2. John Krasinski does a stellar impression of Emily Blunt.

It's the story of when they met President Obama, and I donkey-laughed. You will, too. 

3. John Krasinski and B.J. Novak were friends in high school.

One of John's first performances was in a play B.J. wrote, and they graduated the same year. Why is that so fun?!

4. I've turned into an essential oil nut.

I know. I'm one of those now. But I don't use either Young Living or Doterra, so maybe I've sidestepped the essential oil land mines. Or maybe by saying that I just stepped on the biggest one of all. Oops. But I love them, especially for my skin. I've had wonky skin my entire life, and while I'm not Cindy Crawford, it's certainly less wonky. 

P.S. Geranium oil stops zits in their tracks and makes them cry for mercy. It's awesome.

5. I like thinking about the purpose of my home.

I took The Nester's home survey which is technically for her to know what to share with us, but it  turned out to help me, too. The questions are fun to answer but made me realize a lot of things I value about my home that I hadn't thought of before. Maybe they will for you, too. 

6. Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe are the same person.

It's freaky.

7. When you choose your top 15 favorite comedies and forget The Mindy Project, you ache for days.

Seriously, it was like forgetting to get my kid a Christmas present. I'm sorry, Mindy. Your spot is sure now, but I know I let you down.

8. One snow day is fun, two is okay, 5+ is unacceptable.

We live in North Carolina where snow is a lovely treat for a couple of hours, and then everyone goes John-Travolta-crazy after an inch and schools are closed for the entirety of February. When I write my kids' tuition check for preschool this month, it will ache. They were only there for like four days. Stupid winter.

9. My kids are cute in the winter.

Post-sledding Sam was all cuddly and five. Maybe winter has its perks.

10. I am an essentialist. 

Essentialism by Greg McKeown. This book has been a game changer for me. The Nester and Emily both recommended it, and since I couldn't steal their copies, I got my own and reference it like it's a dictionary. (Or, let's be real, like it's IMDB.) Essentialism is the disciplined pursuit of less, and I dig it like I dug Chris Pine's single tear at The Oscars. Sweet mama. 

11. Meryl and JLo will one day rule the world.

Oscar selfie.

Oscar selfie.

reaction to Oscar Girl Power speech

reaction to Oscar Girl Power speech

Meh, maybe they already do.

12. Everyone should create their Celebrity Mount Rushmore.

My sister and I did, and we talked about it on our podcast. The very important categories that you should think about with committed and obsessive precision? Stop Being So Hot, Stop Being So Charming, and Stop Being So Perfect. Listen to ours here! It'll make folding laundry soooo much better.

Head over to Emily Freeman's site Chatting at the Sky for a slew of other things folks learned in February. 

Stupid Easy Nutella Cocoa Puff Cream Pie

I know what you're thinking. Pie is too hard and I need to go away so you can get back to catching up on Nashville. I understand; no one understands the desire to get back in front of the TV as much as I do. 

But I PROMISE this pie is stupid easy. STUPID easy. Your eight year old can make it as long as you watch him during the oven part. 

Where I Convince You That You Can Do This

What it doesn't have:

  • a pastry crust with butter that scares you
  • that thing where you have to fill the pie with foil and beans to bake it and feel like you're doing a lab experiment
  • a filling that needs to be cooked and coddled and cooled and taken on a shopping spree
  • so much time between steps that you forget you were making a pie in the first place

What it does have:

  • a crust made out of Cocoa Puffs. COCOA PUFFS. If that doesn't convince you to stick around, there's no hope for any of us.
  • a crust that has to be baked but not fiddled with
  • a filling that's basically three ingredients whirred together with a hand mixer, and one of those ingredients is Nutella so there's THAT
  • whipped cream (or Cool Whip if you don't want to make another thing)
  • no waiting for a pie to cook
  • no waiting for a pie to cool
  • no waiting for a pie to set
  • an awesome pie in half hour, maybe a full hour if you're enlisting Tiny Person help

Trust me, and make this, please. It's STU.PID. easy. Oh wait, and did I mention that it's DELICIOUS? Because it's totally delicious. The crust is flavorful and chewy, the filling is thick and Nutella-y, and the whipped cream is WHIPPED CREAM. The taste is great, the texture is stellar (thanks to the brown sugar in the crust to give it umph), and you'll love having something that looks so special ready to serve in the time it takes you to watch an episode of Chuck. Without commercials! 

Do you believe me now? Do you believe me that you can make this pie? Straight up you've got this, so let's get started.

Stupid Easy Nutella Cocoa Puff Cream Pie

WHAT YOU NEED

  • 4 cups of Cocoa Puffs
  • 1 stick of butter, melted
  • brown sugar - 2 tbsp for the crust and 1 tbsp for the filling
  • salt - a pinch in the crust and 1/4 tsp in the filling
  • 1 1/2 cups Nutella
  • 3 ounces of super soft cream cheese
  • heavy cream - 2 tbsp for the filling and 1 cup for the topping
  • 2 tbsp of powdered sugar
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla
  • (or again skip the whipped cream and go for Cool Whip)

HOW TO MAKE IT

You're about to see a lot of steps for a stupid easy recipe. That's because it's a literal step-by-step. That doesn't mean it's hard, complicated, fussy, or takes a lot of time. Ignore your impulse to run from the numbers; they're not trying to hurt you.

  1. Check your cream cheese. If you just decided to make this pie and have cold cream cheese, go ahead and chunk up your 3 ounces so they'll start to soften while you get going on everything else.
  2. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. 
  3. Put the cereal in a food processor (quick but more dishes) or a gallon freezer bag (slower and more upper body work but less cleanup), and pulverize the cereal until it's finely ground, like boxed graham cracker crumbs. Not chunky, not powdery.
  4. In a medium microwave safe bowl, melt the butter in said microwave.
  5. Stir the cereal, 2 tbsp of brown sugar, and pinch of salt into the melted butter with a fork. Break it up and move it around until it all looks the same, like cereal sand.
  6. Dump the crust into a pie plate. Use your hands to press the crust into the pan, first at the center and working your way to the edges. You will easily have enough crumbs to fill the plate, but don't stress out if the crumbs won't stick to the sides. Crumb crusts are more "of the people" that way; they're rustic and low maintenance without all that crimping.
  7. Bake the crust for ten minutes. It'll look wet when you pull it out; that's the butter. Just put it on a cooling rack for a few minutes and then stick it in the fridge to get all the way cold. This will happen while you make the filling and the topping.
  8. In the butter-melting-crust-mixing bowl, use a hand mixer to beat together the Nutella, cream cheese, 1 tbsp of brown sugar, 1/4 tsp of salt, and 2 tbsp of cream. It'll be thick, but give it a whirl on medium-high speed for about a minute to get as much air incorporated as you can. Leave the bowl on the counter while you make the whipped cream.
  9. A quick word: my immersion blender (one of my favorite kitchen tools) has a special blending cup as well as a whisk attachment. It's my favorite way to make whipped cream because it takes up as much room in the dishwasher as a juice glass. Maybe you have one too and never thought to use it. So now I'm telling you... USE IT. If you don't have an immersion blender, you can use the whisk attachments on either your stand mixer or your hand mixer. The point? You whisk the cream until it's on its way to thick. When it's the consistency of regular yogurt (not thick like Greek), add the powdered sugar and vanilla. Beat it until it's thick enough that you want to eat it. You've seen whipped cream on desserts before. Just go until it looks right. If you want to get technical, go for soft or stiff peaks - if you pull your whisk out of the cream, it should form a little mountain peak. If it droops, it's a soft peak and perfectly great. If it stays upright, it's a stiff peak that's just as great. Don't worry a thing about it.
  10. Now take your cooled crust from the fridge, and spoon the Nutella filling all around. Now put the whipped cream on top and spread it around. For a fancy no-brainer garnish, use a vegetable peeler to shave a few chocolate bits on top. 
  11. It's ready to eat! Or you can cover it with plastic and let it hang out in the fridge until you're ready.

So eleven stupid easy steps. There's nothing to mess up here, you guys. NOTHING. You've got this. And once you have it, it won't be around for long.

How the Oscars Are Like Summer Vacation

You know that magical moment when you find out you're going on vacation? As a little kid, you imagine Disney princesses with dresses made of flowers...

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

... and sparkly funny fairies with Prince Charming arm candy.

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris

As a teenager, you think sophisticated New York City...

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett

...or Miami where all the cool people go to the beach and party into the wee hours.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

As a grownup, we dream big. Paris.

Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard

London. 

Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife Sophie

Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife Sophie

Even Palm Springs would be acceptable.

Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick

Fancy hotel rooms decorated with modern color blocking...

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

...or vintage beading.

Emma Stone

Emma Stone

Basically somewhere fancy enough where we might see Chris Pine.

But noooooo. You're going to Aunt Irene's beach house that hasn't changed since 1979 and smells of old sand and Werther's Originals. Oh, it's all so familiar...

The mantel full of photos housed in frames made of seashells and pearls...

Lupita Nyong'o

Lupita Nyong'o

...the floral bedspreads that vary in style and thickness but never in smell.

Chloe Grace Moretz

Chloe Grace Moretz

Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike

Kerry Washington

Kerry Washington

Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley

Aunt Irene did try a few updates though. The new bathroom shower tile, for example...

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore

...the backsplash in the kitchen...

Naomi Watts

Naomi Watts

...new upholstery on the cushions of every piece of wicker furniture.

Viola Davis

Viola Davis

A LOT of wicker furniture.

Zoe Saldana

Zoe Saldana

But you still have a good time even though you think you won't. At first you think it's because you made friends with that cool couple next door.

Miles Teller and Keleigh Sperry

Miles Teller and Keleigh Sperry

Or that adorable British couple across the street.  

Eddie and Hannah Redmayne

Eddie and Hannah Redmayne

But then you realize it's because of your aunt and uncle who are cooler than you thought...

Steve and Nancy Carell

Steve and Nancy Carell

...and that eccentric cousin you've never spent time with until now and who becomes your favorite.

Jared Leto

Jared Leto

Aunt Irene's beach house turns out to be pretty good after all. 

All the Other Oscar Things

 Neil Patrick Harris told so many dad jokes.

  • After J.K. Simmons won the Oscar (and remember - J.K. Simmons is the guy who does those Farmers Insurance commercials), Neil said to the tune of the theme song, "He won an Oscar. Bum bumdadum badum bum bum."
  • "Reese Witherspoon is so lovely, you could eat her with her spoon."
  • "Our next presenter is just as comfortable playing a male stripper as he is playing a wrestler in a onesie. Channing Tatum is the real deal pants down I mean hands down."
  • "Benedict Cumberbatch. One of the greatest names ever, and also the name you get when John Travolta introduces Ben Affleck."

Oprah brought it.

  • First, she looked fly.

  • Second, she wiped tears from David Oyelowo's face after the BALLER performance of "Glory" by John Legend and Common, and now we all need Oprah to wipe away our tears.

  • Third, HER FACE. Common and John won for "Glory," and they gave an emotionally moving speech where John spoke of incarceration and inequality, Common did another poetry slam called "The Spirit of This Bridge," and Oprah was in HEAVEN. Those beautiful Oprah boobs of hers had that beautiful Oprah jiggle from all that fast Oprah breathing, and her face looked as if all the children in all the world collectively met Santa for the first time. It was magical.

  • Fourth, she presented the award for Adapted Screenplay, and the adorable guy who won for The Imitation Game said, "Thank you to the academy. And to Oprah." Because when Oprah presents you with an award, you thank her. It doesn't matter if she had anything to do with it or not.

  • Fifth, I had no idea how much I miss Oprah. Her voice makes everything seem okay again.

The 2015 Oscars had a Cringe Factor of at least 8.4.

  • A winner of some kind of short film category from Poland was the first person played off by the orchestra. AND TALKED PAST THEM. Like, they ended the Get Off the Stage music before he was finished and had to START OVER. But that speech did get Emily three squares on her Oscar Bingo card, so all wasn't lost.
Yep, those are crumbs.

Yep, those are crumbs.

  • The guys who won for sound mixing had the longest pauses between words in the history of spoken words. Excruciating. Emily's response: "There's a reason they work on sound."
  • Quick story. When I was 18, I sang in my sister's wedding. And I forgot the words to the song. I knew I needed to cover and fast, so I pretended to cry until I could remember what to sing. Not proud of it, but it worked. Y'all, Terrance Howard totally pulled the same trick! He had the job of recapping three of the Best Picture films, and when the teleprompter presumably broke, he covered. He had emotional pauses. Pretended to cry. Shook his head in wonder for long periods of time. Said things like, "This next film... it's so emotional... I can't even think of the words." That next film was The Imitation Game. Which, yes, was emotional, but not enough for Terrance Howard to have to take a few beats to compose himself. Y'all, it was a NIGHTMARE. The crew watching at my house was all buried in throw pillows within ten seconds. But I can't fault the guy. I've done it, too. You do you, Terrance. You do you.
  • Remember last year when John Travolta royally screwed up Idina Menzel's name? They brought them both back to present an award together. And John stood uncomfortably close to her, making jokes about how sorry he was, and awkwardly touched her face for long enough that a restraining order should be filed. He's insane, you guys. Straight up. Check this out.

I mean EW. Also ScarJo will take. you. OUT.

And here's the rest.

  • I already mentioned that the Oscars had church when Common and John Legend sang "Glory." What I didn't mention was that it made Chris Pine cry. TWICE. And lead the standing O. So basically Chris Pine is my new favorite person and should also run for president I love him so much.
  • Tegan and Sara along with The Lonely Island (including Andy Samberg) performed "Everything Is Awesome" from The Lego Movie, and it really was awesome. A little weird to happen at The Oscars but awesome nonetheless. When a line like "rocks, clocks, and socks, they're awesome" happens on the Dolby Theater stage, you wonder if you're watching the right show.
  • Meryl Streep introduced the In Memorium segment and paid tribute to those who had died. And pretty much won an Oscar for it because she's perfect at everything ever. (Notables who we lost this year that you might have forgotten about - Mickey Rooney, James Garner, Lauren Bacall, Mike Nichols, Edward Hermann aka Richard Gilmore, and, of course, Robin Williams.) 
  • The production value was ON POINT. The title graphics and art intros were magical, inventive, and captured the nominees perfectly. It was seriously one of the highlights of the broadcast. I wish I was cool and had DVR so I could take grainy pictures of my TV with my phone. Oh wait here's one!

Forget it, that's just two of the most beautiful people on the entire planet standing next to each other.  No big thing.

  • Jared Leto introduced the Best Supporting Actress category made up of "four women and, by California law, Meryl Streep."
  • Lady Gaga sang a medley tribute to The Sound of Music which I realize sounds horrible. But, y'all, it wasn't! She can blow, and she looked super classy doing it. Like a pageant contestant with oddly placed tattoos who rocked the talent portion like a boss. And THEN Julie Andrews herself came on stage, hugged Gaga, and all seemed oddly right with the world. If Oprah had joined them, I'm pretty sure wells would've sprung up in the driest parts of the world.
  • Finally and most important to me, my five year-old son, Sam, is super into Lupita. He saw her on the red carpet, asked who she was, and got obsessed. When she came on camera for an interview, he shouted, "It's Lupita! She's here! And you can see a little bit of her tummy!" My kid has never been cooler.

And finally the WINNERS (in the order they were presented)

Supporting Actor - J.K. Simmons for Whiplash
Costume Design - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Makeup & Hairstyling - The Grand Budapest Hotel
Foreign Language Film - Ida
Live Action Short Film The Phone Call
Documentary Short Subject Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1
Sound Mixing Whiplash
Sound Editing - American Sniper
Supporting Actress - Patricia Arquette for Boyhood
Visual Effects Interstellar
Animated Short Feast
Animated Feature Film Big Hero 6
Production Design The Grand Budapest Hotel
Cinematography Birdman
Film Editing Whiplash
Documentary Feature Citizenfour
Original Song - "Glory" for Selma
Original Score - Alexander Deplate for The Grand Budapest Hotel
Original Screenplay - Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for Birdman
Adapted Screenplay - Graham Moore for The Imitation Game
Directing - Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for Birdman
Actor - Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything
Actress - Julianne Moore for Still Alice
Picture -  Birdman

And that does it for awards season. See you next year, y'all. I'm going to go ahead and call it that 2015 will be the year I crush hard on Margot Robbie. Kendra, out.

Any favorite looks or moments?

If you like this, you might like what I had to say about this year's Golden Globes and last year's Oscars. And if you like those, I'm pretty sure you belong in The Sugar Mob. You get The Sugar Hi (a monthly video recapping that month's entertainment news) and The Sugar Mob Monthly (a monthly newsletter with lists of all the things.)