I'm Calling It: The Lady Legends In the Making

Who will still be winning Oscars in 30+ years?

In the 80s, Bette Davis wrote Meryl Streep a letter, saying she would be the next great American actress. Good call, Bette. You were smart, talented, and also freakishly scary sometimes. (Those EYES.)

I'm going to pull a Bette and call the next greats. And in 2050, we'll chat again about how smart I am. 

 

the next Meryl Streep: JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Meryl is the legend of all legends, and no one is going to match her all-time record of 18 Oscar nominations and three wins. (Also 28 Globe nominations with eight wins and three Emmy nominations with two wins, but who's counting.) P.S. SHE'S STILL WORKING. Those numbers will change, people. Anyway...

I'm not claiming that Jennifer will be as popular at awards shows as Meryl, but she's got the best chance of any. Their Oscar start is eerily similar. Meryl was nominated for her first Oscar after acting for only four years and won the very next year. Jennifer? Nominated five years in and won two years later. A little behind Meryl's pace, but isn't everybody.

They're both hard workers, likable, versatile, and reportedly game changers on set - Meryl because she's a perfectionist and Jen because she'll fart during your line to make you laugh while performing hers flawlessly. 

Clearly they are not the same person, but Jennifer is a mighty talent at only 24 years old and is probably going to be around for a long time.

Runner-up: Natalie Portman

 

the next Sally Field: MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Michelle is without question quieter than Sally, but they both possess a powerful energy that can endear and also frighten. The passion for their work is obvious, but they both have an even greater passion for making the world a better place, on a broad scale and specifically for their kids. 

When the nurturing spirit of a loving mother intersects with the job of putting yourself in someone else's shoes, magic can happen. I think Michelle has some of Sally's magic, and we're all a little freaked out about how much they look alike anyway. Don't fight it.

Oh, and Michelle already has three Oscar nominations. I think she's going to do just fine.

Runner-up: Emily Blunt


the next Glenn Close: EMMA STONE

Glenn is nice and approachable, but umm let's not make her mad, okay? She's got that quiet anger that your dad got when you were late for curfew and he was "disappointed in you." It's the WORST. I really hope Glenn Close is never disappointed in me. 

Emma is lighter and more fun than that, but she's also sassy and blunt and doing Hollywood her way. Sure, she's in summer blockbusters and has hot Hollywood arm candy, but she also chooses a variety of roles and elevates the movies she's in. Did you know she got a Golden Globe nomination for Easy A? I'm pretty sure that movie never had hopes of seeing the inside of The Beverly Hills Hilton on awards night. But it did because of Glemma.  

Runner-up: Shailene Woodley


the next Susan Sarandon: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

They're both sexy for days. Smoldering, strong, and oddly likable (Susan more so than ScarJo, but that's a personal opinion). Yet, they both do so much more with their sex appeal than their colleagues. It's deeper than a husky voice and red hair. 

Plus Susan will throw you for a loop and play a nun who ministers to a death row inmate, and it changes your life. She can do anything, and I think with a little bit of confidence and experience, Scarlett can, too.

Runner-up: Rebecca Hall

 

the next Helen Mirren: KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

They're both British! Done!

Kidding. They're also both really sensual and into period pieces. Done?

Dame Helen Mirren is kind and lovely but all about the work. She doesn't put up with much, and I've seen enough interviews with Keira to infer she's a little over it, too. They're both dignified but self-admittedly pretty into their privileged lives. 

Helen doesn't have kids and never wanted them, saying she's too selfish and more interested in being an earth mother to the masses, bringing attention to less-seen social injustices through her status. Way to tell it like it is, Helen. No idea if Keira wants to be a mom, earth or otherwise, but I'm genuinely afraid that her legs will break if she tries to carry a child. She's the prettiest stick bug I've ever seen. 

Runner-up: arey Mulligan

 

What do you think? Who will be our legends in 35 years? And if you say Anne Hathaway, you are dead to me. 

Five Reasons The Office Sugar Box Is For You

1. Sugar Box Day is even better than Pretzel Day.


"I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day."

You like Pretzel Day, Stanley? Well, on Sugar Box Day, you don't have to stand in line, you get more than one thing, and Michael isn't there distracting you from your crossword puzzle.

 

2. You should have an Office marathon and amp it up with a Sugar Box because you're brilliant.

I've spoken to two couples recently who are rewatching The Office just because it's awesome and an excellent decision. Can you imagine queuing up your favorite episodes while you have a box full of happy inspired by those very episodes?! The mind can't take it.

 

3. You don't have to do any work.

No slaving away in the kitchen for hours creating treats for your family and friends. No dropping the pot of hot chili on the carpet. Let's not have a Kevin, y'all. Let me do the work, and we'll call it a day.

(This hurts my heart.)

 

4. Sometimes the only thing that can make it all better is dessert. 

Good day or bad, eating cookies with people you like is basically the best thing ever. Michael is an idiot but not when it comes to this.

 

5. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE OHMYGOODNESS!

It's true. I want you to think of someone who's never gotten a Sugar Box before, particularly somebody who maybe loves The Office, and I'm going to GIVE YOU a second box to share with them. Dance it out, baby. It's stellar news.

So, Greensboro friends? You ready to get all crazy up in here and order a Sugar Box?

The Office Sugar Box
25.00

MAJOR EXCITEMENT. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!

For this month only, order your Sugar Box and get one free to share! I'm sure you all know someone who would love The Sugar Box but hasn't had a chance to try it. I'm going to give you a chance to box up the happy for that person.

When you order, your shopping cart will show only one Sugar Box, but when you come for pick-up, you'll receive two. I can't wait to hear your stories about sharing the happy. And if that person orders on their own and puts your name down at checkout, you'll get $5.00 off your next box as you always do. 

Share the sugar, share the love. 

Here's what you'll get it:
Enough food to feed 6-8 people, all treats inspired by our friends at Dunder Mifflin. Want to know specifics? Click over to our spoiler alert page to see what food you're getting. Fangirly extras will remain a surprise!

Here's why you want it:
Few shows make us feel as much as The Office does. We root for romances, cringe at others, cover our eyes at the awkward, and laugh constantly. It's ripe with inspiration, and if you like The Office, this Sugar Box will make you (and an unsuspecting friend) incredibly happy. 

When you can get it:
Friday, September 19th.
Available for pick-up in the Starmount/Hamilton Lakes area of Greensboro from 4:30-6:30pm or for afternoon delivery for an additional cost. You can choose your option when you check out.

Quantity:
Gimme Some Sugar


My Very Important Emmy Recap

It's just me, my camera photos of the TV screen, popcorn, and lofty expectations of one of my favorite nights of the year. Let the recapping commence!

And someone get me the name of Julianna's hot arm candy.

 

Best Lines of the Night

Melissa McCarthy, when asked how she does it all answered: "Stop sleeping. And booze."

Ross Matthews (who is very gay) asked Matt Bomer if he could come to the Magic Mike 2 set (which is very full of hot naked dudes) to "inspect for authenticity." 

Seth, commenting on shows that had ended this season like Breaking Bad, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother, said, "Of those three shows, I wouldn't have expected Mother to be the saddest. 'Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn't make it. Sleep tight!'"

Seth: "Our first presenter asked to write her own introduction, so welcome my beautiful, talented friend, Beyonce!" Amy Poehler then gyrated her way to the stage and said, "I'm here to present the award for Best Orgasm in a Civil War Reenactment." And for a second, I kind of believed her.

Mindy Kaling, presenting the award for Best Reality Series: "Reality shows are the things you make your husband watch with you before you have sex."

Ricky Gervais: "When you've come a long way, they let you do the big one. So here are the nominees for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series."

 

Best Looks of the Night

emmys.jpg

1. Taylor Schilling

She's got this Grecian goth thing going with the dress, the sexy side-boob tattoo, and an ear cuff because of course.

2. Heidi Klum

When she hit the red carpet, I gasped. She's a big whoa. Crazy beautiful, and coral and emerald should go together forever and always. She also turned the E! mani cam (more on that later) into a twerk cam. Only Heidi can be that sassy and still not be annoying. 

3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Can I cash in my getting-old chips to look like Julia? She's so classy and age-appropriate and hilarious and gorgeous, and she out-redded Claire Danes, January Jones, Christina Hendricks, and every other young actress in the most popular red carpet color. Julia wins life.

4. Lizzy Caplan

She's the first person who made me speak out loud. "Oh, wow," I said and then couldn't take my eyes from the screen. 

5. Julia Roberts

No one should be allowed to age this well and have legs like a college freshman. 

6. Kristen Wiig

STOP IT. She's flawless and stunning. And on the red carpet when asked if she was presenting, she said, "No, I'm just going to watch. With my mouth slightly open the whole time." Then adjusted her boobs a little, and I love her.

Also Julie Bowen wins the award for wearing a dress that made me think I needed an eye exam.


Best Bits of the Night

Jimmy Kimmel Busts on Matthew McConaughey

Jimmy Kimmel, on stage to present an award, instead auditioned for his next hosting gig by ripping Mr. Stoned Suave for two minutes.

What is McConaughey doing here? He doesn't even own a TV! He traded it for a conch shell full of weed. [MM yells from the audience, That was Woody!] Sure, it was Woody. I mean alright alright alright already. McConaughey has a movie star face, not a TV face. Where's Ricky? [camera cuts to a surprised Ricky Gervais] Now that's a tv face! Actually a Netflix face. [Kimmel looks back to MM] Now take your bongos and your tea tree oil and get outta here. And take Julia Roberts with you!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston Make Out

When they presented an award together early in the show, Julia laughed at how Bryan looked like a guy she dated on Seinfeld, the dentist who converted to Judaism for the jokes. When Bryan said that was him and that they even made out a little, she ignored him and moved on. The chemistry was riveting, and Julia can do more comedy with the side of her mouth than most people can do with their entire body. 

Awhile later, she won the Emmy. Of course. On her way to the stage, Bryan grabbed her, and this happened. 

Seth and Amy Practice Introducing Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson

A few of their opening lines.

  • Please welcome two men who also have no idea what happened at the end of True Detective!
  • Please welcome two gentlemen who are always menu items at marijuana dispensaries.
  • Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they'd be chatty in the sack.
  • The only actors in Hollywood not rumored to be starring in season two of True Detective, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson!

Then they came out in these matching color-blocked suits like they were in Night at the Roxbury and exchanged witty, inside joke banter while the rest of us wondered how many joints they'd already smoked.

Billy Eichner Video Bit

Just watch it. It's brilliant and amazing.

Weird Al Does TV Theme Songs

Sung to the tune of the Mad Men theme: "Jon Hamm has never won an Emmy. Oh, who cares? He's still Jon freaking Hamm!"

Homeland: "Beautiful woman. Ugly crying. Inigo Montoya grew a beard."

Game of Thrones: "Here come dragons galore and some boobs. And to be fair, there's way more boobs. Don't get attached to a certain guy. (Have a backup have a backup have a backup.) Type, George. Type. We need more scripts. (Write them faster write them faster write them faster.) [Then they rolled out a typewriter and gave it to George R. R. Martin who was sitting in the audience.]

The video isn't up yet. If you get a chance, see it even though my recap was clearly musically accurate.

*update* And now just watch the thing.


Best Sweet Moments

Jim Parsons' Acceptance Speech

I've never liked the guy. Or the character. Definitely not his show. I just don't get it. Also, he's taken away far too many Emmy awards from Steve Carell. Just stop it already.

I was zero surprised when he beat out some of the most groundbreaking performers comedy knows today, but that surprise flipped when he gave his speech. He thanked the other nominees for being divergent and doing things he could never do and sometimes would never do, said he admires them and their courage. Then he said that he realized there's no accounting for taste.

He copped to it, agreeing with a lot of us who don't understand why he keeps winning, that his performance is, sure, great and funny, but not risky like the rest. But he said so with class and dignity and humility, and now I hate Sheldon a little less.

In Memoriam

Sara Bareilles sang Smile with simplicity and emotion, and ohmyword she's beautiful.

We lost a lot of legends this year - Philip Seymour Hoffman, Peter O'Toole, Lauren Bacall, James Garner, Elaine Stritch, Mickey Rooney, Joan Fontaine, Maya Angelou... and Robin Williams was the final frame.

Then Billy Crystal gave a misty tribute to his friend, and we were all weep-laughing. It's still hard to believe that Robin is gone, and it was lovely and heartbreaking to be reminded from the heart of his dear friend what we truly lost.

Seth Meyers Being Kind Always

He signed autographs on the red carpet. He looked lovingly at his wife in a way that is impossible to fake. He heard a multitude of questions about which shows and actors would get slammed, and he answered that none would. Because Seth Meyers is a good guy and can be funny without hurting people's feelings. 


Best Takeaways

  • Conan O'Brien gave Louis C.K. his first job on television.
  • Jodie Foster - THE Jodie Foster - was nominated for directing an episode of Orange Is the New Black. Did you guys knows this?!
  • Julianna Margulies' shoulder blades can cut glass.
  • Jon Hamm is all kinds of sexy all kinds of ways.
  • Some of the women on the red carpet (Natalie Dormer, Jessica Pare, Alexandra Daddario) all had a lip twitch while they were posing. Because they couldn't decide if they were going to smile, pout, fish face, duck face, or ignore the camera altogether. It was oddly terrifying.
  • Andy Samberg needs to be the sidekick to everything forever and always.


Best of the Stupid, i.e. the E! network

The Mani Cam

Let's talk about how this mani cam is all kinds of ridiculous. Famous ladies walk their hands down a tiny runway, equipped with cameras and lights, to show off their nails and their bling. The actresses don't seem too keen, but the E! people are highly invested. And if that wasn't enough, this year they added the clutch cam - a bedazzled lazy susan of opulence and tackiness that showcases every clutch that passes through. Because it's not the Emmys until I see Debra Messing's tiny purse spin in a circle. 

Giuliana Rancic

Giuliana has a hard job. You talk to the most famous people in the country about their clothes and try to strike a rapport without acting like you're besties. I couldn't do it. Most of us probably couldn't. But, ladies and gentlemen, Giuliana can't either. A few of her best moments...

  • Geeking out over interviewing Gwen Stefani, Giuliana tried to be cool. When Gwen said her dress was made from real crystals, Giuliana responded, "That is so dope." And we toooootally believed her street cred.
  • She interviewed the aforementioned comic genius, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. And bombed. Hard. That woman can feed off the energy of a cardboard box, but all Giuliana would give her was "This color is gorgeous! What is that a fuchsia?" "No, it's more of a raspberry. With a burgundy belt." Riveting reporting, G.
  • Enter Sarah Silverman, a lady who doesn't know any level but Level Blunt. Giuliana said, "You're dressed like a nominee!" and then pointed the unnecessary microphone at Sarah. Who then responded, "You can't just put the microphone in front of me without asking a question! All you said was, 'You're dressed like a nominee!'" And I cheered. Then Giuliana diverted the awkward to the mani cam which was a fail because Sarah didn't get a manicure because her hands are "working hands." It was sad watching Giuliana get scared by Sarah while simultaneously "putting her in her place" by calling Sarah unprepared for the red carpet because she didn't know the name of her clutch designer. Y'all. It was painful. And of course they ended the conversation with Giuliana giving a sincere, "Love you! Bye, sweetie!" like she was Sarah's mom sending her off to the bus stop. Just... let's not.

(Also Ross Mathews needs to do all the celebrity interviews. Fire everyone else.)

 

Best Punch-The-Air Moments

These are personal taste, of course, but Sherlock and Breaking Bad were rockstars. And I made noises and threw excited fists in the sky when they won things.

Both Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman won acting Emmys, but neither was there to accept. The only thing that makes the second part okay is the first part. Barely. The show won for writing, too. Hooray and hurry along with season four pleaseandthankyou.

And Breaking Bad won everything. As it should. Because it's the greatest piece of television I've ever seen. Lots of air punches, especially over Aaron Paul. He was a genius in that final season, and I was irrationally excited that he won.


Best Emmy Tweets On My Feed

Oh yeah because Gwen Stefani, announcing the winner of Outstanding Variety Series, said "Cole-bore Report" instead of "Cole-Bear Report." Gwen and John Travolta should hang out.

 

Finally The Complete List of Winners We Mostly Care About

COMEDY SERIES

The Big Bang Theory
Louie
Modern Family
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Veep

DRAMA SERIES

Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
Mad Men
True Detective 

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Bryan Cranston // Breaking Bad
Kevin Spacey // House of Hards
Jon Hamm // Mad Men
Jeff Daniels // The Newsroom
Woody Harrelson // True Detective
Matthew McConaughey // True Detective

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Michelle Dockery // Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies // The Good Wife
Claire Danes // Homeland
Robin Wright // House of Cards
Lizzy Caplan // Masters of Sex
Kerry Washington // Scandal

LEAD ACTOR IN MINISERIES/MOVIE

Chiwetel Ejiofor // Dancing on the Edge
Martin Freeman // Fargo
Billy Bob Thorton // Fargo
Idris Elba // Luther
Mark Ruffalo // The Normal Heart
Benedict Cumberbatch // Sherlock

LEAD ACTRESS IN MINISERIES/MOVIE

Jessica Lange // American Horror Story: Coven
Sarah Paulson // American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter // Burton and Taylor
Minnie Driver // Return to Zero
Kristen Wiig // The Spoils of Babylon
Cicely Tyson // The Trip to Bountiful

LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jim Parsons // The Big Bang Theory
Ricky Gervais // Derek
Matt LeBlanc // Episodes
Don Cheadle // House of Lies
Louis CK // Louie
William H. Macy // Shameless

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Lena Dunham // Girls
Melissa McCarthy // Mike & Molly
Edie Falco // Nurse Jackie
Taylor Schilling // Orange Is the New Black
Amy Poehler // Parks and Recreation
Julia Louis-Dreyfus // Veep

MINISERIES

American Horror Story: Coven
Bonnie & Clyde
Fargo
Luther
Treme
The White Queen

TV Movie

Killing Kennedy
Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight
The Normal Heart
Sherlock: His Last Vow
The Trip to Bountiful

VARIETY SERIES

The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Star Starring Jimmy Fallon

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Aaron Paul // Breaking Bad
Jim Carter // Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage // Game of Thrones
Josh Charles // The Good Wife
Mandy Patinkin // Homeland
Jon Voight // Ray Donovan

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Anna Gunn // Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith // Downton Abbey
Joanna Froggatt // Downton Abbey
Lena Headey // Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski // The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks // Mad Men

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Andre Braugher // Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Adam Driver // Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson // Modern Family
Ty Burrell // Modern Family
Fred Armisen // Portlandia
Tony Hale // Veep

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Mayim Bialik // The Big Bang Theory
Julie Bowen // Modern Family
Allison Janney // Mom
Kate Mulgrew // Orange Is the New Black
Kate McKinnon // Saturday Night Live
Anna Chlumsky // Veep

 

That's all, folks. Now me and my carpel tunnel are going to bed.

How to Watch the Emmys Like a Pro

1. No distractions.

This includes children, husbands with questions about said children, the sound on your phone, hunger pains (see #2), and anything else that might make you miss very important moments like ALL OF THEM. Do whatever you can to create your Emmy bubble, and make sure all your people respect the bubble.

2. Food within reach and in excess.

Because we were led astray by Lorelai Gilmore who could eat junk for days and still avoid stomach rolls, you'll enjoy yourself more if your snacks are fun and satisfying but not ones that will give you a food-shame hangover the next morning. 

  • popcorn
  • dark chocolate squares
  • frozen grapes

Choose foods that will stand up to a three hour telecast, are immensely satisfying, are plentiful, but that won't make you feel like a whale by 9pm. We're in this for the long haul, so be smart.

3. Pick winners before the show airs.

It's an amateur move to make your choices as the category is announced. It takes away from the joy of choosing because you'll change midway or choose based on applause or do the whole "Oh, that's what I meant to say!" when your choice doesn't win. Be cool, and pick ahead of time. Your investment is greater, and so is the reward. 

Download this ballot, and guess like a pro.

4. Sink deep into your fangirl.

This is the time to fly the flag with gusto. No embarrassment over ogling Jon Hamm or pausing the TV when Benedict Cumberbatch smiles at the camera or tearing up the tiniest bit because Minnie Driver is so damn beautiful... no shame. Embrace your crazy, and you'll have more fun.

Optional: add Twitter to your viewing experience. There are some stellar funny people out there who will live-Tweet the show and remind you that you're not the only one who's obsessed. A few favorites... @NickFlora, @AaronFullerton, @ElizaBayne, and @alexbaze.

5. Maximize your sleep.

Take a nap this afternoon, or at least recruit your significant other or oldest kid to get everyone going in the morning. Around a 10pm commercial, go ahead and brush your teeth and wash your face. You think I'm joking. Do everything you can during commercials or boring speeches and tributes that will help you get in bed the second the show is over and go to sleep. Amateurs don't plan ahead and then are up another hour after doing the routines and fixing the lunches and such. You, my friend, are no amateur. Not anymore.

The 66th Primetime Emmy Awards
TONIGHT, 8pm ET on NBC
Hosted by the adorably perfect Seth Meyers

You'll get my recap tomorrow. Fangirl it up, y'all. This is our Super Bowl. 

Check out my recap of last year's Oscars to get yourself in the spirit of evaluating famous people like a champ.