It's just me, my camera photos of the TV screen, popcorn, and lofty expectations of one of my favorite nights of the year. Let the recapping commence!
And someone get me the name of Julianna's hot arm candy.
Best Lines of the Night
Melissa McCarthy, when asked how she does it all answered: "Stop sleeping. And booze."
Ross Matthews (who is very gay) asked Matt Bomer if he could come to the Magic Mike 2 set (which is very full of hot naked dudes) to "inspect for authenticity."
Seth, commenting on shows that had ended this season like Breaking Bad, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother, said, "Of those three shows, I wouldn't have expected Mother to be the saddest. 'Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn't make it. Sleep tight!'"
Seth: "Our first presenter asked to write her own introduction, so welcome my beautiful, talented friend, Beyonce!" Amy Poehler then gyrated her way to the stage and said, "I'm here to present the award for Best Orgasm in a Civil War Reenactment." And for a second, I kind of believed her.
Mindy Kaling, presenting the award for Best Reality Series: "Reality shows are the things you make your husband watch with you before you have sex."
Ricky Gervais: "When you've come a long way, they let you do the big one. So here are the nominees for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series."
Best Looks of the Night
1. Taylor Schilling
She's got this Grecian goth thing going with the dress, the sexy side-boob tattoo, and an ear cuff because of course.
2. Heidi Klum
When she hit the red carpet, I gasped. She's a big whoa. Crazy beautiful, and coral and emerald should go together forever and always. She also turned the E! mani cam (more on that later) into a twerk cam. Only Heidi can be that sassy and still not be annoying.
3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Can I cash in my getting-old chips to look like Julia? She's so classy and age-appropriate and hilarious and gorgeous, and she out-redded Claire Danes, January Jones, Christina Hendricks, and every other young actress in the most popular red carpet color. Julia wins life.
4. Lizzy Caplan
She's the first person who made me speak out loud. "Oh, wow," I said and then couldn't take my eyes from the screen.
5. Julia Roberts
No one should be allowed to age this well and have legs like a college freshman.
6. Kristen Wiig
STOP IT. She's flawless and stunning. And on the red carpet when asked if she was presenting, she said, "No, I'm just going to watch. With my mouth slightly open the whole time." Then adjusted her boobs a little, and I love her.
Also Julie Bowen wins the award for wearing a dress that made me think I needed an eye exam.
Best Bits of the Night
Jimmy Kimmel Busts on Matthew McConaughey
Jimmy Kimmel, on stage to present an award, instead auditioned for his next hosting gig by ripping Mr. Stoned Suave for two minutes.
What is McConaughey doing here? He doesn't even own a TV! He traded it for a conch shell full of weed. [MM yells from the audience, That was Woody!] Sure, it was Woody. I mean alright alright alright already. McConaughey has a movie star face, not a TV face. Where's Ricky? [camera cuts to a surprised Ricky Gervais] Now that's a tv face! Actually a Netflix face. [Kimmel looks back to MM] Now take your bongos and your tea tree oil and get outta here. And take Julia Roberts with you!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston Make Out
When they presented an award together early in the show, Julia laughed at how Bryan looked like a guy she dated on Seinfeld, the dentist who converted to Judaism for the jokes. When Bryan said that was him and that they even made out a little, she ignored him and moved on. The chemistry was riveting, and Julia can do more comedy with the side of her mouth than most people can do with their entire body.
Awhile later, she won the Emmy. Of course. On her way to the stage, Bryan grabbed her, and this happened.
Seth and Amy Practice Introducing Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson
A few of their opening lines.
- Please welcome two men who also have no idea what happened at the end of True Detective!
- Please welcome two gentlemen who are always menu items at marijuana dispensaries.
- Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they'd be chatty in the sack.
- The only actors in Hollywood not rumored to be starring in season two of True Detective, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson!
Then they came out in these matching color-blocked suits like they were in Night at the Roxbury and exchanged witty, inside joke banter while the rest of us wondered how many joints they'd already smoked.
Billy Eichner Video Bit
Just watch it. It's brilliant and amazing.
Weird Al Does TV Theme Songs
Sung to the tune of the Mad Men theme: "Jon Hamm has never won an Emmy. Oh, who cares? He's still Jon freaking Hamm!"
Homeland: "Beautiful woman. Ugly crying. Inigo Montoya grew a beard."
Game of Thrones: "Here come dragons galore and some boobs. And to be fair, there's way more boobs. Don't get attached to a certain guy. (Have a backup have a backup have a backup.) Type, George. Type. We need more scripts. (Write them faster write them faster write them faster.) [Then they rolled out a typewriter and gave it to George R. R. Martin who was sitting in the audience.]
The video isn't up yet. If you get a chance, see it even though my recap was clearly musically accurate.
*update* And now just watch the thing.
Best Sweet Moments
Jim Parsons' Acceptance Speech
I've never liked the guy. Or the character. Definitely not his show. I just don't get it. Also, he's taken away far too many Emmy awards from Steve Carell. Just stop it already.
I was zero surprised when he beat out some of the most groundbreaking performers comedy knows today, but that surprise flipped when he gave his speech. He thanked the other nominees for being divergent and doing things he could never do and sometimes would never do, said he admires them and their courage. Then he said that he realized there's no accounting for taste.
He copped to it, agreeing with a lot of us who don't understand why he keeps winning, that his performance is, sure, great and funny, but not risky like the rest. But he said so with class and dignity and humility, and now I hate Sheldon a little less.
Sara Bareilles sang Smile with simplicity and emotion, and ohmyword she's beautiful.
We lost a lot of legends this year - Philip Seymour Hoffman, Peter O'Toole, Lauren Bacall, James Garner, Elaine Stritch, Mickey Rooney, Joan Fontaine, Maya Angelou... and Robin Williams was the final frame.
Then Billy Crystal gave a misty tribute to his friend, and we were all weep-laughing. It's still hard to believe that Robin is gone, and it was lovely and heartbreaking to be reminded from the heart of his dear friend what we truly lost.
Seth Meyers Being Kind Always
He signed autographs on the red carpet. He looked lovingly at his wife in a way that is impossible to fake. He heard a multitude of questions about which shows and actors would get slammed, and he answered that none would. Because Seth Meyers is a good guy and can be funny without hurting people's feelings.
- Conan O'Brien gave Louis C.K. his first job on television.
- Jodie Foster - THE Jodie Foster - was nominated for directing an episode of Orange Is the New Black. Did you guys knows this?!
- Julianna Margulies' shoulder blades can cut glass.
- Jon Hamm is all kinds of sexy all kinds of ways.
- Some of the women on the red carpet (Natalie Dormer, Jessica Pare, Alexandra Daddario) all had a lip twitch while they were posing. Because they couldn't decide if they were going to smile, pout, fish face, duck face, or ignore the camera altogether. It was oddly terrifying.
- Andy Samberg needs to be the sidekick to everything forever and always.
Best of the Stupid, i.e. the E! network
The Mani Cam
Let's talk about how this mani cam is all kinds of ridiculous. Famous ladies walk their hands down a tiny runway, equipped with cameras and lights, to show off their nails and their bling. The actresses don't seem too keen, but the E! people are highly invested. And if that wasn't enough, this year they added the clutch cam - a bedazzled lazy susan of opulence and tackiness that showcases every clutch that passes through. Because it's not the Emmys until I see Debra Messing's tiny purse spin in a circle.
Giuliana has a hard job. You talk to the most famous people in the country about their clothes and try to strike a rapport without acting like you're besties. I couldn't do it. Most of us probably couldn't. But, ladies and gentlemen, Giuliana can't either. A few of her best moments...
- Geeking out over interviewing Gwen Stefani, Giuliana tried to be cool. When Gwen said her dress was made from real crystals, Giuliana responded, "That is so dope." And we toooootally believed her street cred.
- She interviewed the aforementioned comic genius, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. And bombed. Hard. That woman can feed off the energy of a cardboard box, but all Giuliana would give her was "This color is gorgeous! What is that a fuchsia?" "No, it's more of a raspberry. With a burgundy belt." Riveting reporting, G.
- Enter Sarah Silverman, a lady who doesn't know any level but Level Blunt. Giuliana said, "You're dressed like a nominee!" and then pointed the unnecessary microphone at Sarah. Who then responded, "You can't just put the microphone in front of me without asking a question! All you said was, 'You're dressed like a nominee!'" And I cheered. Then Giuliana diverted the awkward to the mani cam which was a fail because Sarah didn't get a manicure because her hands are "working hands." It was sad watching Giuliana get scared by Sarah while simultaneously "putting her in her place" by calling Sarah unprepared for the red carpet because she didn't know the name of her clutch designer. Y'all. It was painful. And of course they ended the conversation with Giuliana giving a sincere, "Love you! Bye, sweetie!" like she was Sarah's mom sending her off to the bus stop. Just... let's not.
(Also Ross Mathews needs to do all the celebrity interviews. Fire everyone else.)
Best Punch-The-Air Moments
These are personal taste, of course, but Sherlock and Breaking Bad were rockstars. And I made noises and threw excited fists in the sky when they won things.
Both Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman won acting Emmys, but neither was there to accept. The only thing that makes the second part okay is the first part. Barely. The show won for writing, too. Hooray and hurry along with season four pleaseandthankyou.
And Breaking Bad won everything. As it should. Because it's the greatest piece of television I've ever seen. Lots of air punches, especially over Aaron Paul. He was a genius in that final season, and I was irrationally excited that he won.
Best Emmy Tweets On My Feed
Oh yeah because Gwen Stefani, announcing the winner of Outstanding Variety Series, said "Cole-bore Report" instead of "Cole-Bear Report." Gwen and John Travolta should hang out.
Finally The Complete List of Winners We Mostly Care About
The Big Bang Theory
Orange Is the New Black
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Bryan Cranston // Breaking Bad
Kevin Spacey // House of Hards
Jon Hamm // Mad Men
Jeff Daniels // The Newsroom
Woody Harrelson // True Detective
Matthew McConaughey // True Detective
LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Michelle Dockery // Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies // The Good Wife
Claire Danes // Homeland
Robin Wright // House of Cards
Lizzy Caplan // Masters of Sex
Kerry Washington // Scandal
LEAD ACTOR IN MINISERIES/MOVIE
Chiwetel Ejiofor // Dancing on the Edge
Martin Freeman // Fargo
Billy Bob Thorton // Fargo
Idris Elba // Luther
Mark Ruffalo // The Normal Heart
Benedict Cumberbatch // Sherlock
LEAD ACTRESS IN MINISERIES/MOVIE
Jessica Lange // American Horror Story: Coven
Sarah Paulson // American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter // Burton and Taylor
Minnie Driver // Return to Zero
Kristen Wiig // The Spoils of Babylon
Cicely Tyson // The Trip to Bountiful
LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Jim Parsons // The Big Bang Theory
Ricky Gervais // Derek
Matt LeBlanc // Episodes
Don Cheadle // House of Lies
Louis CK // Louie
William H. Macy // Shameless
LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lena Dunham // Girls
Melissa McCarthy // Mike & Molly
Edie Falco // Nurse Jackie
Taylor Schilling // Orange Is the New Black
Amy Poehler // Parks and Recreation
Julia Louis-Dreyfus // Veep
American Horror Story: Coven
Bonnie & Clyde
The White Queen
Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight
The Normal Heart
Sherlock: His Last Vow
The Trip to Bountiful
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Star Starring Jimmy Fallon
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Aaron Paul // Breaking Bad
Jim Carter // Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage // Game of Thrones
Josh Charles // The Good Wife
Mandy Patinkin // Homeland
Jon Voight // Ray Donovan
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Anna Gunn // Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith // Downton Abbey
Joanna Froggatt // Downton Abbey
Lena Headey // Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski // The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks // Mad Men
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Andre Braugher // Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Adam Driver // Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson // Modern Family
Ty Burrell // Modern Family
Fred Armisen // Portlandia
Tony Hale // Veep
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Mayim Bialik // The Big Bang Theory
Julie Bowen // Modern Family
Allison Janney // Mom
Kate Mulgrew // Orange Is the New Black
Kate McKinnon // Saturday Night Live
Anna Chlumsky // Veep
That's all, folks. Now me and my carpel tunnel are going to bed.