1. Don't eat or drink something new or cool to impress a guy.
You'll just end up spitting whiskey all over Schmidt because whiskey is gross and you've never had it before.
2. Don't profess anything when you're drunk.
After four vodka sodas, I realized I had something to say.
- Mindy Lahiri
Because if you wouldn't say it sober, you'll should never say it drunk.
3. Spend time making beautiful food.
Don't fill your life with too many quick-fixes and time-savers. Otherwise, you'll forget the joy of slow. On occasion, take the time to do something that takes awhile. It's good for the soul.
Danny's annual gingerbread house is a good reminder of that. Also his red glasses are everything.
4. A coffee date as the first date is a horrible date.
So you went on a coffee date with a loser. ALL coffee dates are with losers.
- Peter Prentice
That's because coffee dates are the WORST.
Joe asks you to meet him for coffee at 4pm. What do you do if you get there first? Sit down? Wait outside? Order something? Then once Joe arrives, you have to awkwardly stand in line together to order overpriced lattes that you won't drink because coffee makes you poop and you already have the nervous first date poops, so WHY add to the problem. Plus you're sitting at a cafe table next to an old man and his sudoku puzzle, so the conversation feels like your grandpa is chaperoning. Then when is the date done? Okay, I guess I'll go hang out somewhere for 40 minutes before it's dinnertime this wasn't awkward timing at all let's do it again!
No. Let's NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.
5. Emotional eating is a human right.
Every great love story also has an end. And when your love story ends, all you can do is cry, listen to sad music, and drink wine that you bought from a gas station.
- Mindy Lahiri
Don't fight it. Sometimes McDonald's, gas station wine, or an entire cake is what the moment requires. Also Danny Castellano is what all moments require ever.
6. Fuel your body the right way.
Find yourself a beat fuel, y'all. Something that gets you going in your work. High protein, low sugar, and P.S. not frozen cookie dough balls. They're horrible for productivity, plus your fingers get all sticky and buttery, making it impossible to type or operate heavy machinery.
7. Never leave food behind.
I just dropped a Mike & Ike; I need everybody's eyes ON THIS.
- Morgan Tookers
The five-second rule is for the cold-hearted. You rescue lost food no matter how long it's been sitting there.
8. Don't give your single friend a copy of Microwave Cooking for One for her birthday.
It's insulting to assume single people can't cook or like to eat garbage. Be nice. She isn't a walking Lean Cuisine.
9. Be kind to those on a diet.
Your friend is trying gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, and/or food-free for awhile. Don't bring it up. Don't ask how it's going. Don't apologize if your breath smells like the meatball sub you had for lunch. Just. don't. SPEAK. Then when it's all over, bring her a cookie and let her eat it in peace.
10. Being confident and not being skinny at the same time shouldn't be exceptional behavior.
Enjoy food and treat your body kindly. End of story. Ignore everyone else.
Welcome back, Mindy. Can't wait to see you and DANNY CASTELLANO tomorrow OHMYWORD I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG.