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1. Sugar Box Day is even better than Pretzel Day.
"I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day."
You like Pretzel Day, Stanley? Well, on Sugar Box Day, you don't have to stand in line, you get more than one thing, and Michael isn't there distracting you from your crossword puzzle.
2. You should have an Office marathon and amp it up with a Sugar Box because you're brilliant.
I've spoken to two couples recently who are rewatching The Office just because it's awesome and an excellent decision. Can you imagine queuing up your favorite episodes while you have a box full of happy inspired by those very episodes?! The mind can't take it.
3. You don't have to do any work.
No slaving away in the kitchen for hours creating treats for your family and friends. No dropping the pot of hot chili on the carpet. Let's not have a Kevin, y'all. Let me do the work, and we'll call it a day.
(This hurts my heart.)
4. Sometimes the only thing that can make it all better is dessert.
Good day or bad, eating cookies with people you like is basically the best thing ever. Michael is an idiot but not when it comes to this.
5. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE OHMYGOODNESS!
It's true. I want you to think of someone who's never gotten a Sugar Box before, particularly somebody who maybe loves The Office, and I'm going to GIVE YOU a second box to share with them. Dance it out, baby. It's stellar news.
So, Greensboro friends? You ready to get all crazy up in here and order a Sugar Box?
MAJOR EXCITEMENT. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!
For this month only, order your Sugar Box and get one free to share! I'm sure you all know someone who would love The Sugar Box but hasn't had a chance to try it. I'm going to give you a chance to box up the happy for that person.
When you order, your shopping cart will show only one Sugar Box, but when you come for pick-up, you'll receive two. I can't wait to hear your stories about sharing the happy. And if that person orders on their own and puts your name down at checkout, you'll get $5.00 off your next box as you always do.
Share the sugar, share the love.
Here's what you'll get it:
Enough food to feed 6-8 people, all treats inspired by our friends at Dunder Mifflin. Want to know specifics? Click over to our spoiler alert page to see what food you're getting. Fangirly extras will remain a surprise!
Here's why you want it:
Few shows make us feel as much as The Office does. We root for romances, cringe at others, cover our eyes at the awkward, and laugh constantly. It's ripe with inspiration, and if you like The Office, this Sugar Box will make you (and an unsuspecting friend) incredibly happy.
When you can get it:
Friday, September 19th. Available for pick-up in the Starmount/Hamilton Lakes area of Greensboro from 4:30-6:30pm or for afternoon delivery for an additional cost. You can choose your option when you check out.
It's just me, my camera photos of the TV screen, popcorn, and lofty expectations of one of my favorite nights of the year. Let the recapping commence!
And someone get me the name of Julianna's hot arm candy.
Best Lines of the Night
Melissa McCarthy, when asked how she does it all answered: "Stop sleeping. And booze."
Ross Matthews (who is very gay) asked Matt Bomer if he could come to the Magic Mike 2 set (which is very full of hot naked dudes) to "inspect for authenticity."
Seth, commenting on shows that had ended this season like Breaking Bad, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother, said, "Of those three shows, I wouldn't have expected Mother to be the saddest. 'Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn't make it. Sleep tight!'"
Seth: "Our first presenter asked to write her own introduction, so welcome my beautiful, talented friend, Beyonce!" Amy Poehler then gyrated her way to the stage and said, "I'm here to present the award for Best Orgasm in a Civil War Reenactment." And for a second, I kind of believed her.
Mindy Kaling, presenting the award for Best Reality Series: "Reality shows are the things you make your husband watch with you before you have sex."
Ricky Gervais: "When you've come a long way, they let you do the big one. So here are the nominees for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series."
Best Looks of the Night
1. Taylor Schilling
She's got this Grecian goth thing going with the dress, the sexy side-boob tattoo, and an ear cuff because of course.
2. Heidi Klum
When she hit the red carpet, I gasped. She's a big whoa. Crazy beautiful, and coral and emerald should go together forever and always. She also turned the E! mani cam (more on that later) into a twerk cam. Only Heidi can be that sassy and still not be annoying.
3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Can I cash in my getting-old chips to look like Julia? She's so classy and age-appropriate and hilarious and gorgeous, and she out-redded Claire Danes, January Jones, Christina Hendricks, and every other young actress in the most popular red carpet color. Julia wins life.
4. Lizzy Caplan
She's the first person who made me speak out loud. "Oh, wow," I said and then couldn't take my eyes from the screen.
5. Julia Roberts
No one should be allowed to age this well and have legs like a college freshman.
6. Kristen Wiig
STOP IT. She's flawless and stunning. And on the red carpet when asked if she was presenting, she said, "No, I'm just going to watch. With my mouth slightly open the whole time." Then adjusted her boobs a little, and I love her.
Also Julie Bowen wins the award for wearing a dress that made me think I needed an eye exam.
Best Bits of the Night
Jimmy Kimmel Busts on Matthew McConaughey
Jimmy Kimmel, on stage to present an award, instead auditioned for his next hosting gig by ripping Mr. Stoned Suave for two minutes.
What is McConaughey doing here? He doesn't even own a TV! He traded it for a conch shell full of weed. [MM yells from the audience, That was Woody!] Sure, it was Woody. I mean alright alright alright already. McConaughey has a movie star face, not a TV face. Where's Ricky? [camera cuts to a surprised Ricky Gervais] Now that's a tv face! Actually a Netflix face. [Kimmel looks back to MM] Now take your bongos and your tea tree oil and get outta here. And take Julia Roberts with you!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston Make Out
When they presented an award together early in the show, Julia laughed at how Bryan looked like a guy she dated on Seinfeld, the dentist who converted to Judaism for the jokes. When Bryan said that was him and that they even made out a little, she ignored him and moved on. The chemistry was riveting, and Julia can do more comedy with the side of her mouth than most people can do with their entire body.
Awhile later, she won the Emmy. Of course. On her way to the stage, Bryan grabbed her, and this happened.
Seth and Amy Practice Introducing Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson
A few of their opening lines.
- Please welcome two men who also have no idea what happened at the end of True Detective!
- Please welcome two gentlemen who are always menu items at marijuana dispensaries.
- Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they'd be chatty in the sack.
- The only actors in Hollywood not rumored to be starring in season two of True Detective, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson!
Then they came out in these matching color-blocked suits like they were in Night at the Roxbury and exchanged witty, inside joke banter while the rest of us wondered how many joints they'd already smoked.
Billy Eichner Video Bit
Just watch it. It's brilliant and amazing.
Weird Al Does TV Theme Songs
Sung to the tune of the Mad Men theme: "Jon Hamm has never won an Emmy. Oh, who cares? He's still Jon freaking Hamm!"
Homeland: "Beautiful woman. Ugly crying. Inigo Montoya grew a beard."
Game of Thrones: "Here come dragons galore and some boobs. And to be fair, there's way more boobs. Don't get attached to a certain guy. (Have a backup have a backup have a backup.) Type, George. Type. We need more scripts. (Write them faster write them faster write them faster.) [Then they rolled out a typewriter and gave it to George R. R. Martin who was sitting in the audience.]
The video isn't up yet. If you get a chance, see it even though my recap was clearly musically accurate.
*update* And now just watch the thing.
Best Sweet Moments
Jim Parsons' Acceptance Speech
I've never liked the guy. Or the character. Definitely not his show. I just don't get it. Also, he's taken away far too many Emmy awards from Steve Carell. Just stop it already.
I was zero surprised when he beat out some of the most groundbreaking performers comedy knows today, but that surprise flipped when he gave his speech. He thanked the other nominees for being divergent and doing things he could never do and sometimes would never do, said he admires them and their courage. Then he said that he realized there's no accounting for taste.
He copped to it, agreeing with a lot of us who don't understand why he keeps winning, that his performance is, sure, great and funny, but not risky like the rest. But he said so with class and dignity and humility, and now I hate Sheldon a little less.
Sara Bareilles sang Smile with simplicity and emotion, and ohmyword she's beautiful.
We lost a lot of legends this year - Philip Seymour Hoffman, Peter O'Toole, Lauren Bacall, James Garner, Elaine Stritch, Mickey Rooney, Joan Fontaine, Maya Angelou... and Robin Williams was the final frame.
Then Billy Crystal gave a misty tribute to his friend, and we were all weep-laughing. It's still hard to believe that Robin is gone, and it was lovely and heartbreaking to be reminded from the heart of his dear friend what we truly lost.
Seth Meyers Being Kind Always
He signed autographs on the red carpet. He looked lovingly at his wife in a way that is impossible to fake. He heard a multitude of questions about which shows and actors would get slammed, and he answered that none would. Because Seth Meyers is a good guy and can be funny without hurting people's feelings.
- Conan O'Brien gave Louis C.K. his first job on television.
- Jodie Foster - THE Jodie Foster - was nominated for directing an episode of Orange Is the New Black. Did you guys knows this?!
- Julianna Margulies' shoulder blades can cut glass.
- Jon Hamm is all kinds of sexy all kinds of ways.
- Some of the women on the red carpet (Natalie Dormer, Jessica Pare, Alexandra Daddario) all had a lip twitch while they were posing. Because they couldn't decide if they were going to smile, pout, fish face, duck face, or ignore the camera altogether. It was oddly terrifying.
- Andy Samberg needs to be the sidekick to everything forever and always.
Best of the Stupid, i.e. the E! network
The Mani Cam
Let's talk about how this mani cam is all kinds of ridiculous. Famous ladies walk their hands down a tiny runway, equipped with cameras and lights, to show off their nails and their bling. The actresses don't seem too keen, but the E! people are highly invested. And if that wasn't enough, this year they added the clutch cam - a bedazzled lazy susan of opulence and tackiness that showcases every clutch that passes through. Because it's not the Emmys until I see Debra Messing's tiny purse spin in a circle.
Giuliana has a hard job. You talk to the most famous people in the country about their clothes and try to strike a rapport without acting like you're besties. I couldn't do it. Most of us probably couldn't. But, ladies and gentlemen, Giuliana can't either. A few of her best moments...
- Geeking out over interviewing Gwen Stefani, Giuliana tried to be cool. When Gwen said her dress was made from real crystals, Giuliana responded, "That is so dope." And we toooootally believed her street cred.
- She interviewed the aforementioned comic genius, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. And bombed. Hard. That woman can feed off the energy of a cardboard box, but all Giuliana would give her was "This color is gorgeous! What is that a fuchsia?" "No, it's more of a raspberry. With a burgundy belt." Riveting reporting, G.
- Enter Sarah Silverman, a lady who doesn't know any level but Level Blunt. Giuliana said, "You're dressed like a nominee!" and then pointed the unnecessary microphone at Sarah. Who then responded, "You can't just put the microphone in front of me without asking a question! All you said was, 'You're dressed like a nominee!'" And I cheered. Then Giuliana diverted the awkward to the mani cam which was a fail because Sarah didn't get a manicure because her hands are "working hands." It was sad watching Giuliana get scared by Sarah while simultaneously "putting her in her place" by calling Sarah unprepared for the red carpet because she didn't know the name of her clutch designer. Y'all. It was painful. And of course they ended the conversation with Giuliana giving a sincere, "Love you! Bye, sweetie!" like she was Sarah's mom sending her off to the bus stop. Just... let's not.
(Also Ross Mathews needs to do all the celebrity interviews. Fire everyone else.)
Best Punch-The-Air Moments
These are personal taste, of course, but Sherlock and Breaking Bad were rockstars. And I made noises and threw excited fists in the sky when they won things.
Both Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman won acting Emmys, but neither was there to accept. The only thing that makes the second part okay is the first part. Barely. The show won for writing, too. Hooray and hurry along with season four pleaseandthankyou.
And Breaking Bad won everything. As it should. Because it's the greatest piece of television I've ever seen. Lots of air punches, especially over Aaron Paul. He was a genius in that final season, and I was irrationally excited that he won.
Best Emmy Tweets On My Feed
Oh yeah because Gwen Stefani, announcing the winner of Outstanding Variety Series, said "Cole-bore Report" instead of "Cole-Bear Report." Gwen and John Travolta should hang out.
Finally The Complete List of Winners We Mostly Care About
The Big Bang Theory
Orange Is the New Black
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Bryan Cranston // Breaking Bad
Kevin Spacey // House of Hards
Jon Hamm // Mad Men
Jeff Daniels // The Newsroom
Woody Harrelson // True Detective
Matthew McConaughey // True Detective
LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Michelle Dockery // Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies // The Good Wife
Claire Danes // Homeland
Robin Wright // House of Cards
Lizzy Caplan // Masters of Sex
Kerry Washington // Scandal
LEAD ACTOR IN MINISERIES/MOVIE
Chiwetel Ejiofor // Dancing on the Edge
Martin Freeman // Fargo
Billy Bob Thorton // Fargo
Idris Elba // Luther
Mark Ruffalo // The Normal Heart
Benedict Cumberbatch // Sherlock
LEAD ACTRESS IN MINISERIES/MOVIE
Jessica Lange // American Horror Story: Coven
Sarah Paulson // American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter // Burton and Taylor
Minnie Driver // Return to Zero
Kristen Wiig // The Spoils of Babylon
Cicely Tyson // The Trip to Bountiful
LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Jim Parsons // The Big Bang Theory
Ricky Gervais // Derek
Matt LeBlanc // Episodes
Don Cheadle // House of Lies
Louis CK // Louie
William H. Macy // Shameless
LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lena Dunham // Girls
Melissa McCarthy // Mike & Molly
Edie Falco // Nurse Jackie
Taylor Schilling // Orange Is the New Black
Amy Poehler // Parks and Recreation
Julia Louis-Dreyfus // Veep
American Horror Story: Coven
Bonnie & Clyde
The White Queen
Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight
The Normal Heart
Sherlock: His Last Vow
The Trip to Bountiful
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Star Starring Jimmy Fallon
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Aaron Paul // Breaking Bad
Jim Carter // Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage // Game of Thrones
Josh Charles // The Good Wife
Mandy Patinkin // Homeland
Jon Voight // Ray Donovan
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Anna Gunn // Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith // Downton Abbey
Joanna Froggatt // Downton Abbey
Lena Headey // Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski // The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks // Mad Men
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Andre Braugher // Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Adam Driver // Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson // Modern Family
Ty Burrell // Modern Family
Fred Armisen // Portlandia
Tony Hale // Veep
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Mayim Bialik // The Big Bang Theory
Julie Bowen // Modern Family
Allison Janney // Mom
Kate Mulgrew // Orange Is the New Black
Kate McKinnon // Saturday Night Live
Anna Chlumsky // Veep
That's all, folks. Now me and my carpel tunnel are going to bed.
1. No distractions.
This includes children, husbands with questions about said children, the sound on your phone, hunger pains (see #2), and anything else that might make you miss very important moments like ALL OF THEM. Do whatever you can to create your Emmy bubble, and make sure all your people respect the bubble.
2. Food within reach and in excess.
Because we were led astray by Lorelai Gilmore who could eat junk for days and still avoid stomach rolls, you'll enjoy yourself more if your snacks are fun and satisfying but not ones that will give you a food-shame hangover the next morning.
- dark chocolate squares
- frozen grapes
Choose foods that will stand up to a three hour telecast, are immensely satisfying, are plentiful, but that won't make you feel like a whale by 9pm. We're in this for the long haul, so be smart.
3. Pick winners before the show airs.
It's an amateur move to make your choices as the category is announced. It takes away from the joy of choosing because you'll change midway or choose based on applause or do the whole "Oh, that's what I meant to say!" when your choice doesn't win. Be cool, and pick ahead of time. Your investment is greater, and so is the reward.
Download this ballot, and guess like a pro.
4. Sink deep into your fangirl.
This is the time to fly the flag with gusto. No embarrassment over ogling Jon Hamm or pausing the TV when Benedict Cumberbatch smiles at the camera or tearing up the tiniest bit because Minnie Driver is so damn beautiful... no shame. Embrace your crazy, and you'll have more fun.
Optional: add Twitter to your viewing experience. There are some stellar funny people out there who will live-Tweet the show and remind you that you're not the only one who's obsessed. A few favorites... @NickFlora, @AaronFullerton, @ElizaBayne, and @alexbaze.
5. Maximize your sleep.
Take a nap this afternoon, or at least recruit your significant other or oldest kid to get everyone going in the morning. Around a 10pm commercial, go ahead and brush your teeth and wash your face. You think I'm joking. Do everything you can during commercials or boring speeches and tributes that will help you get in bed the second the show is over and go to sleep. Amateurs don't plan ahead and then are up another hour after doing the routines and fixing the lunches and such. You, my friend, are no amateur. Not anymore.
The 66th Primetime Emmy Awards
TONIGHT, 8pm ET on NBC
Hosted by the adorably perfect Seth Meyers
You'll get my recap tomorrow. Fangirl it up, y'all. This is our Super Bowl.
Check out my recap of last year's Oscars to get yourself in the spirit of evaluating famous people like a champ.
Last weekend, I babysat my sweet niece. She was asleep within 20 minutes of my getting there, so I spent the next four hours with premium movie channels and frozen cookie dough. You teenagers have a really sweet deal.
I turned on the TV half an hour into the movie Pitch Perfect. I've never seen it because I'm emotionally allergic to a cappella, but my movie-savvy sister said it was great. So I gave it a try.
I watched it three times in 24 hours, not including the clips on YouTube every second a child wasn't needing me to slice apples or clean pee off the floor. I have a new obsession, and I want to be a Barden Bella now MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Sometimes when you see a movie trailer, you've basically seen the movie. (See: Gravity.) Not this movie. The trailer captures it perfectly, so if you like this, you'll love the actual movie. It just scratches the a cappella surface.
When you're a teenager, you're supposed to be obsessed with unimportant things; it's part of growing up and being awkward and weird. But when you're in your 30s? I'm not supposed to think of the funny thing I can say on Anna Kendrick's Instagram photo to get her to notice me or how I might mash up my kids' Sesame Street songs with Beyonce and Mumford & Sons or how cookie dough just needs to be a food group (this is actually a real thing always).
In shameful addition, I still crush on celebrities and have homework to do and get acne, so if we're playing Are You Really a Teenager? then I win life forever.
Three things I've learned in my very teenage weekend:
- Being a teenager is fun, and junk food is everywhere.
- Pitch Perfect is fantastic, and I will wear a homemade fangirly shirt to the premiere of the sequel.
- You guys are special to me. Why? You like me like this. I can make you laugh because I'm dumb and fourteen, and you guys are delightful as you show me your fourteen year-old selves, too. We engage in our mutual silliness, and my days - and I hope yours - are better for it.
Enjoy being silly this weekend, friends. I hope it's filled with movie channels and cookie dough, and if you're going to a riff-off fortheLOVE let me come.