10 Things The Mindy Project Can Teach Us About Food

1. Don't eat or drink something new or cool to impress a guy.

You'll just end up spitting whiskey all over Schmidt because whiskey is gross and you've never had it before. 

 

2. Don't profess anything when you're drunk.

After four vodka sodas, I realized I had something to say.
- Mindy Lahiri

Because if you wouldn't say it sober, you'll should never say it drunk.

 

3. Spend time making beautiful food.

Don't fill your life with too many quick-fixes and time-savers. Otherwise, you'll forget the joy of slow. On occasion, take the time to do something that takes awhile. It's good for the soul. 

Danny's annual gingerbread house is a good reminder of that. Also his red glasses are everything.

 

4. A coffee date as the first date is a horrible date.

So you went on a coffee date with a loser. ALL coffee dates are with losers.
- Peter Prentice

 

That's because coffee dates are the WORST.

Joe asks you to meet him for coffee at 4pm. What do you do if you get there first? Sit down? Wait outside? Order something? Then once Joe arrives, you have to awkwardly stand in line together to order overpriced lattes that you won't drink because coffee makes you poop and you already have the nervous first date poops, so WHY add to the problem. Plus you're sitting at a cafe table next to an old man and his sudoku puzzle, so the conversation feels like your grandpa is chaperoning. Then when is the date done? Okay, I guess I'll go hang out somewhere for 40 minutes before it's dinnertime this wasn't awkward timing at all let's do it again!

No. Let's NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.

 

5. Emotional eating is a human right.

Every great love story also has an end. And when your love story ends, all you can do is cry, listen to sad music, and drink wine that you bought from a gas station.
- Mindy Lahiri

Don't fight it. Sometimes McDonald's, gas station wine, or an entire cake is what the moment requires. Also Danny Castellano is what all moments require ever.

 

6. Fuel your body the right way.

Find yourself a beat fuel, y'all. Something that gets you going in your work. High protein, low sugar, and P.S. not frozen cookie dough balls. They're horrible for productivity, plus your fingers get all sticky and buttery, making it impossible to type or operate heavy machinery. 

 

7. Never leave food behind.

I just dropped a Mike & Ike; I need everybody's eyes ON THIS. 
- Morgan Tookers

The five-second rule is for the cold-hearted. You rescue lost food no matter how long it's been sitting there.
 

8. Don't give your single friend a copy of Microwave Cooking for One for her birthday.

It's insulting to assume single people can't cook or like to eat garbage. Be nice. She isn't a walking Lean Cuisine.

 

9. Be kind to those on a diet.

Your friend is trying gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, and/or food-free for awhile. Don't bring it up. Don't ask how it's going. Don't apologize if your breath smells like the meatball sub you had for lunch. Just. don't. SPEAK. Then when it's all over, bring her a cookie and let her eat it in peace.

 

10. Being confident and not being skinny at the same time shouldn't be exceptional behavior.

Enjoy food and treat your body kindly. End of story. Ignore everyone else. 

Welcome back, Mindy. Can't wait to see you and DANNY CASTELLANO tomorrow OHMYWORD I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG.

The Chocolate Chocolate Cake Shake

The binge watch. 

It's dangerous. Exciting. Perfect in the moment. Worth staying up until 2am because you pull the "just one more episode" bit five times. 

Until the morning. Then you regret everything about your life ever. 

My friend, that is exactly the story of The Milkshake. 

How many times have you had a milkshake and were happy about it two hours later? But how many times have you had a milkshake and it was basically the best thing you've ever tasted?

Here's my strategy. If you're going to binge-watch a show late into the night, you'd better make it good. Breaking Bad wins on all counts. Totally worth it. So if you're going to have a milkshake, it better be the best milkshake ever. 

Enter The Chocolate Chocolate Cake Shake. 

In honor of National Chocolate Milkshake Day (a real thing), we're going all out with a binge-watch-worthy milkshake.

Chocolate ice cream, chocolate milk, and chocolate cake.
I won't tell if you don't. 

INGREDIENTS

1 cup of awesome chocolate ice cream
1 cup of awesome chocolate milk
1/2 cup of chocolate cake scraps

HOW TO MAKE IT

Blend it.
Drink it.
Don't regret it for a second.

How to Make Salted Caramel That's Awesome Like Morgan Freeman

We all agree. You stick Morgan Freeman in a movie and it's automatically legit. He is legendary movie magic.

So is salted caramel. 

Put this stuff in/on anything - ice cream, coffee, hot chocolate, in/on brownies, in/between cookies, a banana and peanut butter sandwich, over apples or peaches or pears oh my, on top of a cooked fruit pie... just stop and don't stop at ALL.

Perhaps we will never see an actor again as versatile and game-changing as Morgan Freeman, and, my friends, the same can be said for salted caramel. 

Let's make some. 

 

Salted Caramel

Here are the basics. You cook sugar and water until it turns golden brown, and then you add cream, butter, and salt. Done. The important thing is to never walk away from your pan after the first minute or two. Sugar burns faster than Meryl Streep wins an Oscar, so vigilant attention, you guys.

Gather everything next to the stove before you start cooking.

HOW TO MAKE IT

  1. Put the water and sugar in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Don't stir it. Let it bubble for 6-8 minutes until the sugar turns a dark golden amber color. If one side of the pan is cooking faster than the other, tilt the pan a bit to redistribute the sugars.
  2. Turn off the heat, and add the cream. It will bubble a lot. Don't freak out. Stir with a wooden spoon.
  3. If some of the sugars are still stuck to the sides/bottom of the pan, turn the heat to medium and allow the sugar to melt into the cream.
  4. Off the heat again, add the butter and salt, stirring until smooth. 
  5. Let the caramel cool completely to get the thick, drizzly texture, but it still tastes awesome and is very easily used straight from the pan. 
  6. Store in the fridge for up to two weeks if you honestly don't use it that quickly. 

Here's an extremely rocky and eerily silent time-lapse video of what happens when you make salted caramel. I got tired holding the phone; clearly I need to work out more.

The Fangirl's Guide to the NFL

College football got you started, and now we're playing with the big boys. The first game of the NFL season is tonight, and you are in for a world of fangirl fun over the next four months. I'm Kendra, and I'll be your tour guide. Follow me.

League Basics

The more you actually understand the game, the more fun you'll have watching the fangirl game. Here are a few basics so you can halfway understand what everyone is talking about.

The Teams

There are two conferences in the NFL - the NFC and the AFC. Each conference is broken up into four divisions - north, south, east, and west - with four teams in each. That's 32 total teams. Finite and fantastic, unlike the bazillion college teams to keep track of.

In case you want to know where a particular team lands as you tour:

NFC North - Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears
NFC South - Carolina Panthers, New Orleans Saints, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Atlanta Falcons
NFC East - Washington Redskins, Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, New York Giants
NFC West - St. Louis Rams, San Francisco 49ers, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks

AFC North - Baltimore Ravens, Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals
AFC South - Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee Titans, Jacksonville Jaguars
AFC East - New England Patriots, New York Jets, Miami Dolphins, Buffalo Bills
AFC West - Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers, Kansas City Chiefs, Denver Broncos

Each team plays 16 games, and they play the teams in their division twice.

Who gets to play in the Super Bowl?

You have to get through the playoffs to get to the Super Bowl. So who gets in the playoffs? Six teams from each conference - the winner of each division and then two wild card teams who have the two next best records. 

The NFC teams play each other until there's a conference winner; same with the AFC. Those two teams play in the Super Bowl where Beyonce should always do the halftime show amen.

What are downs?

We'll pull out this graphic again. It's as simple as you can get.

So if the offensive team is at 2nd and 4, that means they're on their second chance to move ten yards, and they only have four yards to go. You're practically a pro now, right? 

Now let's get to the important stuff.

 

Offseason Suit Models

Damian Williams, #1
wide receiver - Miami Dolphins

Can we say Macy's catalog?

Dwight Freeney, #93
outside linebacker - San Diego Chargers

You can't see much of the suit, but um you can see enough. Hubba hubba.

Eric Decker, #87
wide receiver - New York Jets

In his spare time, Eric attends the Antonio Banderas School of Suave. I hear he's doing pretty well.

Julian Edelman, #11
wide receiver - New England Patriots

You're quite the looker, Julian. Sadly, there's a little Ryan Phillippe going on here, but I refuse to hold that against you. Because Ryan Phillippe is gross.

 

Famous People Who Look Like Other Famous People

Adam Hayward, #55
outside linebacker - Washington Redskins

Pirate Hugh Jackman all day. The smile is on point.

Alex Mack, #55
offensive line - Cleveland Browns

Look, you guys! It's the live action Buzz Lightyear!

Austin Johnson, #35
fullback - New Orleans Saints

Somebody call Gerard Butler and get this man a leather skirt.

Clay Matthews, #52
linebacker - Green Bay Packers

It's David Beckham's humongous, sweaty older brother!

Darren McFadden, #20
running back - Oakland Raiders

Kanye West and Julius from Remember the Titans had a baby. Don't tell Kim.

Wes Welker, #83
wide receiver - Denver Broncos

Do you think he knows he looks like Ewan McGregor? I think he knows. He's got swagger like he knows.

Jordan Cameron, #84
tight end - Cleveland Browns

A Tom Hardy doppelganger is never a bad thing.

Logan Mankins, #70
guard - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jim Gaffigan and Louis CK? Your secret's out, hashtag lovechild.

Matt Spaeth, #89
tight end - Pittsburgh Steelers

Joey Fatone in da hiz-oooouuuuuse! 

Nick Foles, #9
quarterback - Philadelphia Eagles

I'm not sure you want to look like a combination of Clay Aiken and Jon Heder, aka Napoleon Dynamite, but Nick does. We can't fight it.

Stephen Gotskowski, #3
kicker - New England Patriots

Yet another lovechild, and Jim Carrey and Phil Dunphy sure do make an eager one.

Torrey Smith, #82
wide receiver - Baltimore Ravens

Michael from LOST. You can practically see him running through the jungle after Walt.

Kai Forbath, #2
place kicker - Washington Redskins

I'm sorry for this one, but it can't be helped. Seth Meyers and Gollum. This is real life.


Where do I recognize him from?

Jay Cutler, #6
quarterback - Chicago Bears

He's married to Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach. Yes. Her. Also I find him rather ugly. Real talk.  I don't get the hype.

Troy Polamalu, #43
strong safety - Pittsburgh Steelers

His hair is real, y'all, and it's all over those Head & Shoulders commercials you've seen. He's also been voted by the players as the nicest guy in the league.

Peyton Manning, #18
quarterback - Denver Broncos

Commercials galore. A Super Bowl champ. Fantastic SNL host. The guy is one of the most famous in the league and for good reason. It's hard to root against him.

Tom Brady, #12
quarterback - New England Patriots

Won a bazillion Super Bowls. Married to Giselle. A model for Uggs. You know, the normal stuff.

Drew Brees, #9
quarterback - New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees is that handsome dad who wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable driving you home after babysitting. Super nice, a smaller guy and therefore an underdog, a fixture in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, and you've seen him on your TV selling cough medicine and jeans. 

Reggie Bush, #21
running back - Detroit Lions

He dated Kim Kardashian for awhile, but because of THIS, I'll never forgive him.

[shudder]

Aaron Rodgers, #12
quarterback - Green Bay Packers

Discount doublecheck? More accurately, hotness doublecheck. I'm a big fan of Aaron Rodgers for a number of reasons, and his beautiful face is one of them.

Michael Oher, #72
offensive line - Tennessee Titans

You might not know the face, but you know the name. Can you hear it? Imagine it in a Southern drawl by a rich white lady. This is the guy The Blind Side was based on. Yep, he's a real dude.

Tony Romo, #9
quarterback - Dallas Cowboys

The savior of Dallas who is actually pretty mediocre, he's dated Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson. Now he's married to yet another tan blond, a reporter from Dallas. Can't fault the guy for having a type I guess.


Helmets Off, Please

THE SMILERS

Adrian Peterson, #28
running back - Minnesota Vikings

One of the best players in the league. You'll see him a lot, and this is never bad.

AJ Jenkins, #13
wide receiver - Kansas City Chiefs

Stop it. We're 500 watts with this one. Love.

Arian Foster, #23
running back - Houston Texans

Another star, Arian Foster is a cool dude with a great smile. A lot of fun to watch.

Golden Tate, #15
wide receiver - Detroit Lions

Golden Tate with the golden smile. 

Justin Bethel, #31
safety - Arizona Cardinals

rsz_justin_bethel.jpg

He's so handsome! With a shy smile like a puppy!

Justin Hunter, #15
wide receiver - Tennessee Titans

He's the Huxtable son we never knew.

Michael Johnson, #90
defensive end - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I shake my head at you, Michael Johnson. The suit, the glasses, AND the smile? You're not being fair to the rest of the men.

Osi Umenyiora, #50
defensive end - Atlanta Falcons

That smile could light up a thousand cities.

Von Miller, #58
linebacker - Denver Broncos

No one has the power to fight this glasses-smile combo. Maybe Galadriel, but that's it.


THE STUDS

Chris Owusu, #80
wide receiver - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Mm-hmm.

Vernon Davis, #85
tight end - San Francisco 49ers

Um, yes please.

Roman Harper, #41
safety - Carolina Panthers

Gray hair got even sexier.

Luke Kuechly, #59
linebacker - Carolina Panthers

Adorable and kind of scary-big, like the frat guy in a movie who ends up being sweet and into the ballet.

James Ihedigbo, #32
strong safety - Detroit Lions

Nothing to see here. Just cheekbones that could carve stone.

Terence Newman, #23
cornerback - Cincinnati Bengals

Work.

Travis Coons, #4
kicker - Tennessee Titans

rsz_travis_coons.jpg

Excuse me, who ordered the Dimples for Days? 

Victor Cruz, #80
wide receiver - New York Giants

victor-cruz.jpg

Chambray WOWbray.

Greg Olsen, #88
tight end - Carolina Panthers

It's like looking at the sun. Greg, TURN DOWN THE HOTNESS WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.


And finally, the nameless football player with four necks.

 

Feel a little better about attacking a sport you've never really cared about? You know the basics, and more importantly you know who's hot. What else really matters?


I'm Calling It: The Lady Legends In the Making

Who will still be winning Oscars in 30+ years?

In the 80s, Bette Davis wrote Meryl Streep a letter, saying she would be the next great American actress. Good call, Bette. You were smart, talented, and also freakishly scary sometimes. (Those EYES.)

I'm going to pull a Bette and call the next greats. And in 2050, we'll chat again about how smart I am. 

 

the next Meryl Streep: JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Meryl is the legend of all legends, and no one is going to match her all-time record of 18 Oscar nominations and three wins. (Also 28 Globe nominations with eight wins and three Emmy nominations with two wins, but who's counting.) P.S. SHE'S STILL WORKING. Those numbers will change, people. Anyway...

I'm not claiming that Jennifer will be as popular at awards shows as Meryl, but she's got the best chance of any. Their Oscar start is eerily similar. Meryl was nominated for her first Oscar after acting for only four years and won the very next year. Jennifer? Nominated five years in and won two years later. A little behind Meryl's pace, but isn't everybody.

They're both hard workers, likable, versatile, and reportedly game changers on set - Meryl because she's a perfectionist and Jen because she'll fart during your line to make you laugh while performing hers flawlessly. 

Clearly they are not the same person, but Jennifer is a mighty talent at only 24 years old and is probably going to be around for a long time.

Runner-up: Natalie Portman

 

the next Sally Field: MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Michelle is without question quieter than Sally, but they both possess a powerful energy that can endear and also frighten. The passion for their work is obvious, but they both have an even greater passion for making the world a better place, on a broad scale and specifically for their kids. 

When the nurturing spirit of a loving mother intersects with the job of putting yourself in someone else's shoes, magic can happen. I think Michelle has some of Sally's magic, and we're all a little freaked out about how much they look alike anyway. Don't fight it.

Oh, and Michelle already has three Oscar nominations. I think she's going to do just fine.

Runner-up: Emily Blunt


the next Glenn Close: EMMA STONE

Glenn is nice and approachable, but umm let's not make her mad, okay? She's got that quiet anger that your dad got when you were late for curfew and he was "disappointed in you." It's the WORST. I really hope Glenn Close is never disappointed in me. 

Emma is lighter and more fun than that, but she's also sassy and blunt and doing Hollywood her way. Sure, she's in summer blockbusters and has hot Hollywood arm candy, but she also chooses a variety of roles and elevates the movies she's in. Did you know she got a Golden Globe nomination for Easy A? I'm pretty sure that movie never had hopes of seeing the inside of The Beverly Hills Hilton on awards night. But it did because of Glemma.  

Runner-up: Shailene Woodley


the next Susan Sarandon: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

They're both sexy for days. Smoldering, strong, and oddly likable (Susan more so than ScarJo, but that's a personal opinion). Yet, they both do so much more with their sex appeal than their colleagues. It's deeper than a husky voice and red hair. 

Plus Susan will throw you for a loop and play a nun who ministers to a death row inmate, and it changes your life. She can do anything, and I think with a little bit of confidence and experience, Scarlett can, too.

Runner-up: Rebecca Hall

 

the next Helen Mirren: KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

They're both British! Done!

Kidding. They're also both really sensual and into period pieces. Done?

Dame Helen Mirren is kind and lovely but all about the work. She doesn't put up with much, and I've seen enough interviews with Keira to infer she's a little over it, too. They're both dignified but self-admittedly pretty into their privileged lives. 

Helen doesn't have kids and never wanted them, saying she's too selfish and more interested in being an earth mother to the masses, bringing attention to less-seen social injustices through her status. Way to tell it like it is, Helen. No idea if Keira wants to be a mom, earth or otherwise, but I'm genuinely afraid that her legs will break if she tries to carry a child. She's the prettiest stick bug I've ever seen. 

Runner-up: Carey Mulligan

 

What do you think? Who will be our legends in 35 years? And if you say Anne Hathaway, you are dead to me.